Confessed and broken.

Dayya woke up surprised. It was as if she was having a nightmare. That dream was ultimately odd. She blankly stared at her white wall, trying hard to register the dream she was just having.

“What the flying f*ck?” She hissed under her breath.

She let out a long deep sigh.

“What was that about?” Still trying to fathom the odd dream.

She drove to work with a heavy heart. Bothered by the dream she wish she could erase. She had no answer, she wanted to cry. She kept on questioning herself, why did it happen? The fact that she had not think about that person but that person appeared in her dream out of nowhere. She wanted to take the dream not seriously but she couldnʼt. What was the dream, you wonder?

Long story short, she dreamt that she and TT was married to each other. It was not a dream about you were on a date or hanging out with each other. She was living together with TT and married to him. Thatʼs why she feels so f*cked up. She is in the midst of moving on. She thought she was almost succeed. Who could have thought this would happen. That dream screwed her bad.

Who's TT? Someone whom she's considered seeing texting.

She was confused. Ultimately confused.

When you were trying hard to forget someone cause you could see no future and suddenly you had this kind of dream, how would you think of the dream? Yes she was trying to move on but deep down inside her fragile heart she was still hoping for a tiny hope; a miracle to happen. As the dream was shaking her core to the max, half part of her was wondering was this some kind of a hint? Were they actually meant to be together? Were they fated to be together? She wanted to believe that, so bad. Yes because she happened to like him a lot; she just realized. Nevertheless, she couldnʼt help but to remind herself that it was just a dream. This was not a deja-vu.

Days miserably passed. That dream has been haunting her since. Overthinking was all over her. The thoughts then became a complete toxic for her. It was hurting her. She needed to put it to an end. She didnʼt want to keep on having hopes for something not real. She was building her guts. She would be doing something she has never done this before; she would be humiliated. Thatʼs one thing for sure. But itʼs now or never.

To be honest, she once thought that they had a chance. There was a time that she thought they both were at it. But maybe it was just her, she thought. The unsettled feeling kept on bothering her and she hated it. The last time they talked, she was being ghosted regardless whatever reason was. She took it as TTʼs hint for not into her. Not until the dream was ruining her world, she decided to have a last conversation. One day she texted TT. For some reason, she was expecting no reply and she could be happily moving on as she thought that would be the end of everything.

Plot twist. TT replied. And as usual, she would having butterflies whenever he texted. Ugh.

She could not help but to feel extra overwhelmed. Anxiety was all over her. She was mad. Why? Why did he has to reply? Why? Why did he still giving her hopes? She seriously wanted to move on. How could she free herself from this madness? His reply was everything she could ask before. How his texts could give her so much joy. She could only reply him the next morning; trying hard to be as normal as she could. To her surprise, he was not only giving her fast replies but he was being chatty for his kind. She cried inside. She just loved getting texts from him.

When she was composed, guts fully collected; she finally dropped the bomb. Things she always wonder. Things she always didnʼt dare to ask. Because she was in denial. Because she was scared to know the answer. Yet it was because she already knew the answer.

“Are you seeing someone?” She was shaking as she hit Send.

“Not at the moment. All just friends.” Ouch. Dayya tried hard to swallow the reply. 

“So I am just one of those friends. Normal friend.” She thought in herself. She always had the feel that he was not texting her alone. But she thought that would be normal. She only wondered, "Was she even someone special to him?" She indirectly got her answer, somehow. She then blurted her next question. “I assume youʼre not into a serious relationship now?”

And he answered Yes to Dayyaʼs question. She expected this after all. She wasn't even surprise. All this while, she actually could feel the vibes that he wasn't into commitment. She could feel that he was still enjoying his single life. So itʼs now or never for her.

“Itʼs crazy cause I think I like you.” She closed her eyes, hard before she sent another text. “But I guess I should stop.” She is just a girl asking hoping a boy to feel the same towards her. Dayya then turned on her phone to the airplane mode. She already knew the answer but she just were not ready for it. To her surprise, she felt great afterwards. Damn girl, it was as if a huge lump just being lifted out from her body. And she felt great. All the painful burden was gone.

“I shouldʼve done it sooner!” She thought. She slept soundly that night. In fact she was smiling in her sleep. Who could have thought a confession would make you like this? She was happy at least that night. She was feeling miserable for days so this was quite an achievement. To confess, it was never easy. Airplane mode was turned off once she woke up the next day. Reading his reply, she could not help but to wonder. She never really asked herself why?

“Why did you like me?”

That question. She totally had no idea. She didnʼt have an answer for that. Thatʼs what she thought. "I don't know. I just do." And that was her reply to him. "I thought I was being obvious?" Her inner self said. She did not want to drag the conversation. She was afraid that she would be only hurting herself by doing that. As much as she wanted to know what's his feelings towards her, she just shrugged the thoughts off. She was scared to even know the answer.

To be honest, he was her crush. She was having a crush on him back in school. Of course no one knew about it. And she met him again after years leaving school. It was odd enough to even meet him again after so long and was still having the sparks of liking him. She was beyond happy regardless.  "What are the odds?" They both had the same thoughts. They did not have much contact in school. In fact they never talked to each other but somehow Dayya had her own memories with him. There's not in gazillion years TT has idea about this. She was forever fluttered when he started their conversation in Yahoo Messenger back in school days. They were a complete stranger in school. They had never talk to each other. Out of sudden, he started a conversation with her. It was special to her. Until today.

For Dayya, she only wanted a closure so that she could move on. She could never imagine if TT's answer was the other way around. But that would be too good to be true. Not being negative but she could feel that it will forever be in her dreams. One of her friend used to say this to her. "If you love someone, let them go." And that's what she did.