Time flies so fast that I am actually about to become 29 years old. And it is the fastest January in my whole time being alive. Tomorrow is February 1st.
To be honest, I am so grateful that my parents never ask me about my love life. If our relatives or their friends ask when are they going to get a menantu, they will simply say "Taktaulah, Nadia nak travel dulu." And to me, they would advise me not to rush things and just live my life as it is. Enjoy my life. They're like, "Nanti kalau awak dah kahwin.. dah ada anak, susah nak travel." Indirectly, YOLO. Lol. The best part is, people don't really bother to ask anymore cause they would get the same answer, all the time. Sorry to disappoint you all.
Though at times, I am the one who freaked out cause they never really ask me about it. Like most of my friends' parents are the type that ask those questions. So I thought that my parents are not the typical parents. I don't know if they don't know how to ask or they just know that I have no one around. Lol. But I think they really know me so well that I will only mention it to them when the time comes. So bila tiada means none. In short, we don't talk about it. No conversation like, "Kak, bila nak kahwin?" or "Kak, bila nak bagi ktorg cucu?". Even if I did talk about wedding stuff, they never really ask anything. They would just answer my questions, no extra queries coming from them. Haha
I grew up with their advises not to get a boyfriend until I finished my studies. The type of parents that would say, "Jangan gatal2 nak ada boyfriend! Study habis dulu!" Imagine I couldn't get a boyfriend until I graduated from university. That was crazy and I was not that insane not to get a boyfriend. Lol. Sorry not sorry. My parents were a typical parents that prioritise my studies first over anything. After all I am their firstborn, so they're having super high expectations on me. And cause this is like a taboo topic at home, so I never mentioned anything about boys dekat rumah. Mau kena pancung if I ever talk about it. Well, I never tried. I remember I freaked out when the ex-boyfriend sent me a kad raya. Time sekolah lah giler. Like wtf with gelimat wishes. Lol. Worst, it was my mom that received that freaking kad raya. Lucky me, the ex was smart enough to glue the envelope. So mama never knew.
I remember one time I was talking to someone I've been talking to online via a phone call. Mama might be monitoring me the whole time that she suddenly took my phone and talked to that guy saying not to call me anymore. I was pretty much grounded as my phone was taken away from me for weeks that time. I was using a Nokia 3310 that time. I think it was during lower form. Really no mercy given. I was just a kid and I felt unhappy that I couldn't have a 'normal' life I thought I should have. I mean like a lenient parents, a mother that I could talk about anything. I have none during that time. Cause some of my friends talked about boys with their moms and my closed cousins talked about boys with their moms as well. Pergi dating pon mak hantar. Time tuh it's something I tak boleh brain! Like why couldn't I be like them?! So I talked about it with my friends instead. Yet it depends, cause at times I have no faith into them lol. I mean I cannot trust them with my secrets. This trust issues has been with me ever since. I had this super long crush starting from I was in standard 5 and most of my friends knew about it. And I was really unhappy with it. I was embarrassed. Because it was a one-sided crush. Worst he liked my friend, my good friend. It was heartbreaking.
So many rejections and heartbreaks that made me what am I today. I become emotionless, expressionless as what my girlfriends say, heartless at times as I feel I have put myself in a very thick shell and I pretty much don't really seek for a soulmate. I do but it's like menunggu durian runtuh or something. It has become like not a goal/priority in my life. Girlfriends tried to set me up with someone but to be honest I don't really like the idea. I mean, I don't know. It is just not me. Don't say that I am not trying. Well I think I am but... I just know the outcome, not being negative but I had enough.
Now that I have reach this age of mine, it's getting harder to find the one. You know, The One. I mean, guys are settling down pretty early these days compared to women. And the fact that I am so used of being single for quite sometime make me feel comfortable with my current life. I am free to travel. I am free to do things without the need to tell someone my whereabouts. I don't even tell my parents my whereabouts most of the time. Pity them. I'm sorry. I don't have kids to worry about. My curfew is past midnight. Freedom is a bliss. I am really happy that I am not bombarded by such questions cause I think it would be super tiring and annoying. Like seriously people, why why why? Why can't you let people live their life as they want? Is it bothering you?! It is stressing people out! I do feel sorry for my friends that are stressing out with these questions.
If you say that I am picky, of course I am! I have to! I don't want to rush things, kahwin with someone tangkap muat and end up being a divorcee in months time after being married. Crazy! But I know it's hard to find the one; if I've found one I won't be single like I am now right? Lol And because of that I am pretty much clueless on how do you know that he's The One? Did you feel it? Oh yeah he's The One? And how do you know that you are finally ready to settle down? Or you won't? You just do it?! How? The funny part is, people are actually seek for me when they have love issues. I don't know if I will give them a realistic thoughts or what? Me a total noob is giving people love advises. Well, I gave out my thoughts based on my observations though. And most of the time, my thoughts are harsh. It's easy to advise people but I can never advise myself what to do. I just don't know. To be exact, I don't know what I want.
Being almost 29 and reaching the 3 series... I somewhat feel uneasy. I don't really bother about what people wanna talk. They can talk all they want. But something inside me is bothering me. Something unsettle. Some of my friends found their soulmate through the dating apps. You name it, Tinder, Baituljannah, whatever else that crossed your mind. I did try but I don't think it's working for me. After all, it's like a massive catalogue for you choose someone that fit your requirements lol. Not sure if I am projecting this thing right but yeah. That's what I think it is. Judging people based from their looks. You got a few matches. It's pretty confusing and hard in Baituljannah cause it's like an Islamic dating app so you're restricted to do things. But you don't simply clicked with the one that you had a match with. You talked and talked but in the end you're not compatible with one another. Worst, you are ghosting one another. I could say it's tiring and boring. It's no fun. It's fun talking to them but like what a friend said to me if I don't have a definite goal, I won't get what I want. I mean, what do I want from this? To settle down or just to have fun?
That is my problem. Full stop. Thank goodness I'm having super supportive girlfriends that constantly made fun of me being single asking me if I am really into guys? HAHAHAHAHAHAH SORANG SORANG BANGANG! And I love them for being realistic all the time, not to sugar-coating me with things I wanna hear when I got rejected or something. The One will come when it's time. Allah is fair. Just have faith. Maybe my jodoh is around it just our path belum crossed with one another lagi. InsyaAllah soon :)
But am I ready? To settle down?
Yes. Maybe? I don't know.
If someone suddenly proposed me out of nowhere, I really don't know what am I gonna do.
I think I might say yes. Maybe? I don't know.
My girlfriends' prediction is I will end up with someone I just know for few months. It won't be a long relationship before I settle down. Well, we'll see.
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