I am telling myself that the right one will come soon.

السلام عليكم,

Four days before February ends. Also hari bersejarah di mana suntikan vaksin mula diberikan; starting with the PM and DG. Have you registered yourself to get vaccinated? I hope you do. Pray for the very best everyone, insyaAllah.

I've written my first post of 2021 very recently and I'm itching to drop more. Maybe I just miss blogging and I need somewhere to let out what I've been dealing, in total. Yeah sometimes I did rant on Twitter but I don't like how I would become very toxic. That's why I deactivated my Twitter for couple of days recently. I thought I want to do social detox all over again, I failed. My Instagram though, gotta be my happy place. I don't treat it as toxic. I love seeing people happy with their lives and I don't feel bothered or anything. And I shared my happy moments as well. Never the sendu one. Okay maybe just my songs yang sendu. And it's gone public now cause I am participating for a contest to win GD's AF1. Wish me luck!

So am I freaking out of the thoughts of freaking out about being thirty plus? What am I actually feeling now? Well I guess I opened up more than ever now compared to what I used to do whenever I was extremely devastated. I used to push everyone away, giving everyone a complete silent treatment no matter how persistent they were on checking me out. I was being an arse. I was so sad to deal with anything that I would want to just vanish. Or deported to somewhere unpopulated. I could barely talk to anyone about how I felt. I kept it to myself. That's how I was building up anxiety and depression, that time. It was really hard to survive. I think I hated myself for being myself. Like I wanted to reach out but there was something holding me out. 

That was how I dealt with grief, kot. Very bad. And I felt bad to my good friends who are always checking out for me. It took me months to get out from my dark bubbles. I definitely don't want to go back to that phase every again. Yeah, it is indeed once in a blue moon. But never again. It was very tiring dealing myself. 

Is it happening again this time? Yes. But I am treating it differently this time. I did not push anyone away. I talked to my closed friends. I didn't keep it to myself. At least I didn't get any anxiety or being depressed this time around. I am just sad and hurt of what's happening. Basically you can tell what's happening to me at the moment without I am telling you the details. If I am using TikTok terms; in short I catch feelings towards someone I am was talking online for few months. As much as I don't want to, I think it has end for real this time. I mean well it is just guts telling me that. So yeah, I am sad about it. Funny how I could fall for someone who isn't my type and to be honest I am really clueless how did I end up liking this one. I mean, when? How? Cause I remembered how I treated this one like a super good friend whom I can talk about anything in the very first place. Oh damn.

If you know me good enough, you should know how little experiences I had on my love life in my entire life. I am such a noob every single time. And every single time, I am dealing with a complete new specimen. It felt like I am levelling myself up with every heartbreak I got. Until I meet The One lah kot? Maybe I am becoming impatient because I have reach thirty. I know everyone tells you there is no rush about it yada yada yada. Yeah it was before Covid. I did living my life the fullest okay. I didn't even bother about this stuff. I got heartbroken just because I could not fly out. That's it. But now, we could not even cross state! That is just miserable.

They said keep your options open. Even I myself advised my girlfriends that. Guess who couldn't do that? Yups, yours truly. I just don't know how can you multitask your damn feelings. Maybe I just hate the talking stage so much. It is so effin' tiring! It's hard for me to click with just anyone. So when I do, I would cherish them so much. Oddly enough, if I am manifesting that particular person, I couldn't see any red flags. I was so blinded of love. Is it love? No right? But blinded lah. 

I really want to move on fast this time around. I tried to distract myself more than ever. I get myself busy with work. I went out most of the day. I just couldn't stay home. I would be miserable. Cause I would keep on thinking about stuff I don't want to. I couldn't get myself into dating apps as well. And the fact that I have deleted my dating app account. Previously I only uninstall the app but I don't feel like using it. Oh well. As much as I want a distraction, I want to talk someone new. I am just not ready. Oh maybe cause I simply don't want to. That's why I am mad at myself. I could feel this would take some time. 

I do really want to get married. But yeah not just with anybody. I am not someone who is okay with love after marriage kind of thing. And I want kids. At this rate, I am more scared not able to have kids. Thank God, the girlfriends have beautiful babies than I can treat as mine. But of course I want few of my own. My girlfriend suggested that I should ask, "Nak kahwin dengan I tak?" And I replied, "I think I can if my random mode datang." She also asked, "What is your story's ending this time?" I am lost for words. I don't have any. At times I am just jealous with those who just met that particular someone and ended up married to each other months after. Really that easy? I mean yeah I know if it's your jodoh, everything would be easy. Oh well. 

You know why I want to get out from this phase of mine so bad? Because when this happened, I would be the laziest AF to look for my jodoh. I didn't even bother. Malas. Just malas. Malas nak repeat benda benda bodoh. There I said it. My girlfriend knows me too well so she's dead worried when I am in this phase. Cause I would be shutting myself out. More like shutting my heart for anyone. From everything. You think I like it? NO! I don't. I'll try harder this time. But the thought of starting over is just ...........................

I should pray harder, I know. I should put my trust and faith in Allah's plan for me. And I pray hard this heartbreak or whatever you want to call it end very soon. 

And I am hoping my hair to grow faster. I regretted so much that I bleached my whole head during MCO 1.0. Just because I wanted to have ash blue colored hair. In which didn't turn out like I wish for. At the end, I chopped off my hair. It was so hideous. Can't wait it to be at least shoulder length so I would go the a proper salon this time to have a blue colored hair. LOL

p/s: I end up writing so much again. I'm thinking to change my blog template as well but not in the mood. Maybe later.

Hello Dua Puluh Dua Satu.

السلام عليكم,

How are you guys doing? 

Or should I ask myself, How am I doing right now?

Anyways, Happy 2021! 

Today is February 18th. We are still in the state of MCO.

As I am residing in Selangor, this lovely MCO is extended until March 4th. How interesting.

How am I cooperating with this?

This whole MCO makes me reflect the life I've been living for the past few years.

Why is it suffocating, I know it's just not me; it's everyone.

But what's more for me? I realized that I am not a home person, 

regardless considering myself as an introvert.

What I meant is, ever since i started working I always working till late. 

Like sadistic life I had before, keluar gelap balik gelap.

Not until I switched to the current job, keluar cerah balik cerah. 

But cos I would go lepak, so I'll reach home dah gelap.

But as I grew older, I did love spend my weekend at home. 

My old body is just tired to go out during weekend. 

MCO 1.0, I got so paranoid. I was so afraid to go out. 

There was one incident at the office, our intern was in contact with a positive person.

Cause it was something new, everyone was scared including me.

I was crying myself out not wanting to go home as if I am infected.

My colleagues were shocked to see me crying cause they always thought I am heartless. LOL

But I couldn't stop crying. From then, I think I just stayed home and I was fine with it.

I remembered the first time I got to do grocery shopping instead of ayah. I was the happiest.

Too happy to see outside world.

Yet, I got to say I was the happiest when I was driving to the office for the first time after so long.

The traffic was super damn fine. Even though I could see no one at the office, I was so happy.

It felt like I could finally breathe again. I missed this, I thought to myself.

I got to say, any further incidents afterwards it didn't really bother me.

I mean not emotionally bothered me. I could think straight and chill myself out.

We went from MCO to CMCO to RMCO. 

Now we're back to MCO, yet again. 

Of course, everyone is asking everyone else, when would this end?

Do you think the vaccine is the right answer though?

I wish we have the answer guys.

Writing this, I didn't blog anything about my 30th birthday.

Sigh. It was on the sudden CMCO. I was so heartbroken.

I think my post here is kinda selfish but I am writing what was I feeling.

Maybe I was mad enough that my Bali trip with the girlfriends had to be cancelled.

We were supposed to celebrate our 30th together. LOL party hard.

Padahal in denial nak masuk 30.

So when my birthday trip to PD had to be cancelled due to CMCO, I really couldn't take it.

But I love everyone who made my quarantine birthday bermakna. You guys are the sweetest!

At least I was not sad on my birthday.

Oh we finally had our short staycation to cover our Bali trip in KL. 

Literally spent extra for that insane view of KLCC.

Funny how the girlfriends tak tarik the blinds sebab taknak membazir paying for the view.

SIS DAH LAH TAK BOLEH TIDUR KALAU TAK GELAP. I was struggling to sleep actually.

And now I am looking forward for more staycations. Tak kisah lah dalam Selangor/KL je.

Wow I can't believe I am turning 31 this year.

So are you seeing someone? LOL

I wish I can finally say yes to this, but nope.

In fact not talking to anyone as I am writing this. 

How am I feeling right now? The truth; koyak.

I'm currently off from Tinder. Why?

I think I had enough? I don't feel like going into that talking stage again. Bosan.

I forgot whether I off my radar there or not? 

Cause I only uninstall the apps not deleted my account.

My super close friends suggested me to find the One 'organically' instead of in dating apps.

To organically find the One in this pandemic era?

And me someone who just too shy to look at someone's eye? 

How can I buat eye contact or even flirt in public places?

I laughed so hard at their suggestion. 

Can I just wish something magical would happen this year?

Cause sis dah kembali ke mode malas.

But I really love the idea of getting married during MCO. 

Cause I can get the small intimate wedding that I always wanted.

Because of MCO 2.0, I joined TikTok. Surprisingly I learnt ALOT there! LOL

Two days ago, I received an invitation into Clubhouse. 

So yeah, I am now in Clubhouse as well. Not in the mood to explore yet but I kinda like the concept.

I feel like re-doing my Social Media detox again but I don't think I can survive during this crucial time.

Oh I just found out about that Sugarb*0k thinggy since it went viral. 

Funny how I recently had this conversation about this SD/SB with someone.

So I was like, oh selama ni ada dedicated platform? I am such a noob.

I hope MCO will only be extended until March 4th. Please no more.

Thank you.

Not one of the roses.

السلام عليكم,

I am writing this on the third day of COVEid. Selamat Hari Raya everyone. Raya does feel different this year, I mean for most people I guess. For me, I'm not sure how was I feeling. It was okay. I like the simplicity we're having this year. I guess I've always wanted this. Nice and calm. Intimate celebration, some might say. Apart from adapting to the new norm, of course I want all of this to end... ultimately, for good.

I was sitting with a good friend, wearing a mask in my car. Nothing can beat a good face-to-face conversation. As we're soon turning thirty, this kind of talk is pretty common whenever we meet up. In short, we don't like in becoming thirty. We never do. We thought that life is pretty much incomplete now that we're reaching thirty. No we're not competing nor feeling jealous of anyone else.

We have our own goals in life. It's sad that we didn't achieve as much as we wanted to. Obviously our goals are not the same. It just the feelings is the same. Is it emptiness we're feeling? What is this feeling? I am not so sure. Unhappy? I can't say though.

"Why do you always push someone away?" She asked me.

"Why you push someone who likes you?"

"Why would I do that?" I asked myself back. You know whenever someone likes me or someone told me this specific someone likes me I would end up with the same exact question; "Why do they like me?" And I guess, this is not normal. I keep on questioning their feelings towards me as if I do not deserve the likings. Don't you guys feel the same way? Don't you question anyone's feeling? Or is it just me?

As my friend dig deeper, we went through our childhood all over again. We had same childhood moments so we know each other's memories quite well. Going back to 2001; that's when I think I fall hard for someone. It's not like kid's love story these days but yeah. It started with merely a crush then it went kinda 'bad' in a good way. Not until everyone knew that I liked that person; I became so anxious. Why did people need to know about it and make fun of it? I just don't like being teased in such way.

I was feeling so vulnerable. Guess what, someone told that person that I liked him. I never feel so humiliated ever in my entire life. My friend and I did the darnest thing quite a lot back then, I didn't know it was an act to get attentions from our crushes or what. But we did plenty of stupid things. One time, I thought that person might like me back. I guess my life was not a Disney-rom-com back then, no he didn't like me. He liked my friend instead. Another good friend of mine.

That was the beginning of all. I just realized from this conversation, how I started to shut off myself from 'love'. Back then I thought this was just a stupid crush feeling, but wait until I finish my story. It took me a while to actually moved on. I had no idea how but I did have a crush on a new person. It was kinda brief though cause it happened again.

It turned out the new crush like that good friend of mine as well. Lol huh? This couldn't be happening right? Oh well it did. I think from that moment, little that I know I started to build a massive thick shell around myself. I was broken. I shrugged it off in laughter back then. Made fun of how I liked someone and they ended up liking my friend, worst the same friend.

To be honest I had no hard feeling towards my friend. It's not her fault about my crushes liking her anyway. Yet I had myself not liking anyone starting from then. I kept on thinking that if I've ever like someone, that particular someone would end up liking my friend... again. Of course I did question what makes me less than my friend? It is a very subjective question, though.

Years went by, I did like some people. I just don't tell the world about it. Cause I don't want to bummed about people knowing my crushes were liking my friends. And yet some people turned out to be liking my friends as well. I thought to myself, "Is this some kind of fate... written for me?" I couldn't help but to feel so negative about it. I was like, "Why am I not them?" I started to refraining myself to like anyone in a way, thinking of possibilities they might end up liking someone else but me. As much as I don't want to remember any of this, I just couldn't. It has been part of my life.

Just like that, whenever someone shows interest toward me... I'd be like

"Why do they like me for?"

"Are you sure you like me and not someone else?"

"For real gosh why?"

I couldn't help but to keep feeling this way. I didn't response, normally. I guess I am just scared. Very scared indeed.

"We accept the love we think we deserve." - One of my favourite quote from The Perks of Being A Wallflower.

I feel bad for them and of course myself. I should be sorry myself, right? For feeling or acting that way? For thinking I don't deserve those love? But I just cannot stop feeling so insecure about someone I like end up liking my friend again. Yeah, I am emotionally wrecked.

I am turning thirty and this shit is not funny anymore. It is just pathetic. I just realized that I've been having this 'trauma' all along. So how do I get it out of my system?

My sweet October.

السلام عليكم,

Wow it's only a week left until December comes. What a year. I mean, we're reaching to an end already. So fast isn't it? So much happened this year, I mean really for me. It's quite something. Lol. And today, it is exactly one month after my birthday! :)

You know October has always been my favourite month. Simply because it's my birthday month. I would make sure October will be awesome every year. But it's not always great pon. I mean, it would be extra sikit je from the other months. To make it extra special. To make it valuable. At least that's how I celebrate myself. That's how I treated myself.

I would schedule everything accordingly for the month. It's the month that I would fly out. If not, I would try to have a short getaway somewhere. And I shall make sure to take leave from work on my birthday. I will never let myself work on my birthday. I will not spoil my mood with work stuff on my birthday. Cause it has to be special. Again, that's how I reward myself. Appreciate the day myself coming into the world.

So what happened this year? I gotta say October 2019 has been the best after October 2012. October 2016 was disastrous among all.

How my October this year started? Let me recall... Supposedly I would have my website go live on the 1st October but I hadn't getting the approval from the management cause the meeting was re-scheduled. I tried to rush everything before my Seoul trip in which I'll try to blog as well, insyaAllah. But I could only plan.

Seoul trip was planned only this year I think? Early this year? Cause I won't be going to Korea twice a year, crazy okay. But I did, though it's different destination. Awal tahun Jeju, akhir tahun Seoul. Wow sis. I didn't plan to but I was insisted to be a tourist guide for my officemates; Miya and Ili. They both were like, "Ala jom lah ikut sekali yada yada". So that's how I flew to Seoul this year. I wasn't really anticipated about the trip because it's not my call to begin with. So I had no expectation at all. So I sketched the itinerary according to places that these two kids wanted to go.

There were three highlights personally for me for the trip regardless zero anticipation lol. Cause everything that happened was beyond my planning. First, the T-Express ride in Everland was the bomb. And for the first time in my whole life, I was chicken out riding that freaking ride. SUMPAH TAKUT GILER SIAAAA! I was like please please cepatlah habis. Damn guys that ride was freaking fast and so freaking long idek! BUT IT WAS DAMN FUN but I didn't dare to repeat right away. Definitely my no1 ride for now.

Second, the Hanbok cosplay turned out awesome. I always wanted to dress like a Gisaeng so I did. Dolled up myself and walla I stirred quite an attention. Because I wore hijab and I wore the Gisaeng hat. We had our photos photographed by random photographer, a hot one tolonglah! Dia punya senyum buat sis dan kawan2 goyang teruk! Tak keruan bhai! But he had his girlfriend around, sigh. Some of China tourists asked for photographs as well. It was fun.

Later that evening, as we were rushing to return the hanbok, we bumped into Beto Kusyairi and Zahiril Adzim but they were at the opposite side. I thought that our jodoh stopped there. No jodoh after that. HAHAHA. Third, ternyata jodoh kami masih panjang. As I walked into COEX Mall, looking for the famous indoor library I saw a group of Malaysian at the corner. Right then I saw someone familiar. Oh damn. It's Beto!

KJLHDJLKFHJKSDHFUNVUERBVELRHERJDJHSJKHFSKHS!! I couldn't express how happy I was that moment. Fangirl mode was automatically on. I didn't think twice. I directly walked towards them, specifically Beto who was kneeling on the floor checking out something inside his bag. I braced myself to say "Hello Hi Sorry nak kacau boleh nak amek gambar?" I know I know but i blurted something like that. I was nervous. I was afraid they might turn me down. Beto was like looking at me atas bawah atas bawah. With a serious tone, he said "80k won kalau nak gambar." I nervously laughed and said "alaaa tak mampuuuu."

I was telling the truth. HAHAHAHAHA. Dah pokai dowh time tuh. His wife was being so nice and like, "dia main2 je tu" and she laughed as well. I didn't remember what happened next cause guys I was like on top of my world. I was over the moon. I was fangirling terok! I kept smiling kambing non-stop. It felt so unreal! Ili helped to snap my photo. Right after the photo session was done, I who was still smiling kambing bowed my head down thanking them and left. OMG I SUPPOSED TO SNAP Ili's photo as well. But I was beyond happy that I completely forgotten about that. I felt like flying. Too happy. Sorry Ili.

For the entire trip, I mean up until the trip ended this highlight really made the trip become so bermakna. Too bermakna. I kept bragging about it to Nadia Mahat who suka terok Beto like I did. Same goes to Asya. I'm sorry guys. I did think about you both when I met him. Lol

Basically those are the highlights in my Seoul trip. I finally back in KL. Presented my website to the management and they gave green light to go live. Alhamdulillah.

This gotta be the biggest highlight for the month. My birthday gift for myself this year. I got my house key on my birthday. Sweet cake baby. Never been so accomplished in my entire 29 years of living. Alhamdulillah. I got to achieve one life goal at least. Alhamdulillah. Thank you Allah.

That's how October 2019 has snatched the no1 ranking from October 2012. Lol. Oh and you are finally 29 years old woman! Love yourself more than others! XD

p/s: It would be sweeter if that particular someone wish me on my birthday but I didn't get any. What did I expect? lol

H o l a !

السلام عليكم,

It's been awhile that I am posting up what happened in my life. Like how I used to. I mean, how I used to blog how my day went on and stuff.

So now I decided to blog about it instead of IG story everything that happened. I think too much information given when I post it up on my IG story and it doesn't feel special anymore. Call me old school but I think I like it better this way. And I disconnected the linkage from my blog to twitter. I want this platform to be as chill as before. The place where I tell my stories, I vent out my frustrations; anything. I miss blogging. I miss writing short-stories like I used to. 

Now I am used to not doing anything on my Instagram; yes I do scrolling down my feed but I don't  feel like to check out people's post/stories anymore every now and then now. I am surprised myself as well. Never think I would able to do it. Cause I realize when you're feeling down or something and you saw someone is having the best time of their life regardless it's genuine or not; you can't help to feel intimidated/jealous... which ever situation/feeling suits you. And I'll end up comparing my life with them.. sedar atau tidak sedar. And it has been a subtle toxic in my current life. What I meant is, what you saw is artificial. There is zero connection. You feel nothing.

As at now, I am trying to living my life like how I was living my life before Social Media came into my life. No likes, no superlikes, no comments, no tags; it's okay girl. You're not missing anything. We're not competing with anyone. Peace and quiet like before. I might be missing out the updates about my friends but at least next time we meet we will be having tonnes of topics to talk about rather than everyone scrolling over their social media right? Next post shall be about how I spent my last long weekend with Farhana, Adam and their families. Hopefully I manage to even blog about it. Wish me luck.

"Life is short, and it is up to you to make sweet." 

Sarah Louise Delany

Take a chance on me.

السلام عليكم,

I some sort like did a social experiment again. It is kinda interesting though. I won't be noticing this littlest thing if I didn't de-activate my Instagram for almost two weeks. You talk using your phone. There is no physical interaction. You may think this is a remeh thing, but really guys. I think what makes us drift away from people without we realizing it, it is due to not communicating well. Communicating face-to-face. Having a real conversation with one another.

You would be surprised that it will give you so much affection just with a simple Hi. The voice. The tone. The correct tone. The look given by the other person. The gestures. Not via the text messages. That you might read it in incorrect tone. Ask yourself when is the last time you really talk with anyone like you used to back when there is no social media? Like how you would spend hours talking nonsense with your friends on phone.

Our current life these days pretty much checking each others out through our social media accounts. For instance, we thought by watching the IG stories of others who would have so many stories in a day until it had become that multiple little tiny threads; either you really watch it one-by-one or you fast clicked the stories. I mean you don't even bother to check it out. Tipulah if you never did that.

So you saw that person was having a great weekend; did you really think they were having real fun? Or it is just for the gram? Back then, when this stuff is not even existed you literally know nothing about how someone spent their weekend. Well maybe you know that they were going for a trip but you would wait until you're meeting them to actually ask how was the trip? You were eager to know more. And the other person would be so excited to tell their stories.

What happened now? Everything has been told off in their IG stories; well not all. But the viewers thought that they knew enough. They did not even bother to know more as they thought/assumed they know everything you're doing. I know we are happily sharing what we wanted there, to share our happiness with everyone. But we don't get genuine reaction anymore. Dia macam cheap tau... As such, we ran out of topic to talk with. There is no stuff to talk about anymore.

Are you still following? No real talk. No real conversation. Don't you think that we are actually losing the art of physically interacting with one another. We don't know how to communicate anymore. That is why I think I felt the super massive emptiness around me. I mean, I am surrounded by people but those people are communicating with me just via a machine. 

We are heading to a super sad life. I am not surprised that people would get lonely even though they are surrounded by family and friends. This little issue will eventually get worse. It is killing us like cancer.

What I've been doing now after re-activate my Instagram; I tried not to check out my followings' stories. Of course I want to keep up with their lives but I guess I am having another social experiment myself again. How is it to completely disconnected to connect? And to be honest you just annoyed by people trying hard to show they are happy but they are not.... Why are you faking your happiness? Tapi siapa je nak cerita kesedihan dekat orang ramai? People would say they seeking for attention and what not... Oh well.

It is just one call away, they say. But then, what we don't have now is time. Everyone is busy. Everyone has their own life. You can't be greedy to own everyone. I don't know if I am considered running away from my problem but for me now not knowing what happened to others are the best resolution. I tried not to be bothered with anyone. I mean if I see how are they doing I would end up comparing with my life. And I don't like it.

At times like this, I would be glad if I was born to be ignorant. You just don't care right? You just live your life and don't care about others. I wish I am. I really do.

p/s: This might no applicable to just anyone. This is mainly my own thoughts.

Unsmile

السلام عليكم,

I think too much.

Overthinking as they say.

I can't help it. I want to stop so badly but I don't know how.

Up until I've had it enough.

Can I stop thinking they are so many others that are more unfortunate than I am? That I have to be grateful.

I am grateful but at times you're having these nasty thoughts and people keep saying to you like hey yours is not as bad as others.

Screw them. I am tired. Emotionally tired.

I am tired of patting my own back every time I had a hard time.

I am tired of telling myself that every thing will be fine in time.

Cause it is never okay.

Like now, I am feeling a burning sensation in my mind. It feels like my mind or is it my brain is about to explode.

And my hair is starting to fall very bad. Like super bad. (Google said it's either I'm stress or hormonal imbalance)

And the fact that I think I am faking my smile.

It's hard for me to smile these days.

I am frowning more than usual these days.

It feels empty and quiet around me but in my mind it's super hard core metal music playing around. 

Funny how when I tried to Google "Why do I feel like pushing people away?" and that suicidal/depression hotline showed up in no1. Even Naz advised me to call up the hotline if I ever feeling down.

Am I sick? Am I that transparent now?

This thing will eventually go away right?

It's not the first time I am feeling this way, it just that this time around it looks super bad.

Shutting down.

Take a deep breath

Until both sides of your heart get numb

Until it hurts a little

Let out your breath even more

Until you feel

Like there’s nothing left inside

It’s alright if you run out of breath

No one will blame you

It’s okay to make mistakes sometimes

Because anyone can do so

Although comforting by saying it’s alright

Are just words

Crushed.

السلام عليكم,

Parents are finally back alhamdulillah.

Instagram has been de-activated.

Maybe just for a short while. Or maybe a little bit longer? Might be forever.

Still a mess though. My mind is.

I don't have an answer to why is it so messed up.

As if everything cluttered everywhere inside my mind.

I don't feel like talking about it.

I don't know what's up as well.

I just want to stay away from every one.

It kinda give me peace that I've been wanting.

I feel like I've always been clingy and in need of others' attention.

I should stop... cause you are all alone after all.

p/s: Thank you for reaching out but you won't be getting any replies. You know who you are. I'm sorry and thank you.

How ready am I to settle down?

السلام عليكم & 안영 to all ♥♥

Time flies so fast that I am actually about to become 29 years old. And it is the fastest January in my whole time being alive. Tomorrow is February 1st.

To be honest, I am so grateful that my parents never ask me about my love life. If our relatives or their friends ask when are they going to get a menantu, they will simply say "Taktaulah, Nadia nak travel dulu." And to me, they would advise me not to rush things and just live my life as it is. Enjoy my life. They're like, "Nanti kalau awak dah kahwin.. dah ada anak, susah nak travel." Indirectly, YOLO. Lol. The best part is, people don't really bother to ask anymore cause they would get the same answer, all the time. Sorry to disappoint you all.

Though at times, I am the one who freaked out cause they never really ask me about it. Like most of my friends' parents are the type that ask those questions. So I thought that my parents are not the typical parents. I don't know if they don't know how to ask or they just know that I have no one around. Lol. But I think they really know me so well that I will only mention it to them when the time comes. So bila tiada means none. In short, we don't talk about it. No conversation like, "Kak, bila nak kahwin?" or "Kak, bila nak bagi ktorg cucu?". Even if I did talk about wedding stuff, they never really ask anything. They would just answer my questions, no extra queries coming from them. Haha

I grew up with their advises not to get a boyfriend until I finished my studies. The type of parents that would say, "Jangan gatal2 nak ada boyfriend! Study habis dulu!" Imagine I couldn't get a boyfriend until I graduated from university. That was crazy and I was not that insane not to get a boyfriend. Lol. Sorry not sorry. My parents were a typical parents that prioritise my studies first over anything. After all I am their firstborn, so they're having super high expectations on me. And cause this is like a taboo topic at home, so I never mentioned anything about boys dekat rumah. Mau kena pancung if I ever talk about it. Well, I never tried. I remember I freaked out when the ex-boyfriend sent me a kad raya. Time sekolah lah giler. Like wtf with gelimat wishes. Lol. Worst, it was my mom that received that freaking kad raya. Lucky me, the ex was smart enough to glue the envelope. So mama never knew.

I remember one time I was talking to someone I've been talking to online via a phone call. Mama might be monitoring me the whole time that she suddenly took my phone and talked to that guy saying not to call me anymore. I was pretty much grounded as my phone was taken away from me for weeks that time. I was using a Nokia 3310 that time. I think it was during lower form. Really no mercy given. I was just a kid and I felt unhappy that I couldn't have a 'normal' life I thought I should have. I mean like a lenient parents, a mother that I could talk about anything. I have none during that time. Cause some of my friends talked about boys with their moms and my closed cousins talked about boys with their moms as well. Pergi dating pon mak hantar. Time tuh it's something I tak boleh brain! Like why couldn't I be like them?! So I talked about it with my friends instead. Yet it depends, cause at times I have no faith into them lol. I mean I cannot trust them with my secrets. This trust issues has been with me ever since. I had this super long crush starting from I was in standard 5 and most of my friends knew about it. And I was really unhappy with it. I was embarrassed. Because it was a one-sided crush. Worst he liked my friend, my good friend. It was heartbreaking.

So many rejections and heartbreaks that made me what am I today. I become emotionless, expressionless as what my girlfriends say, heartless at times as I feel I have put myself in a very thick shell and I pretty much don't really seek for a soulmate. I do but it's like menunggu durian runtuh or something. It has become like not a goal/priority in my life. Girlfriends tried to set me up with someone but to be honest I don't really like the idea. I mean, I don't know. It is just not me. Don't say that I am not trying. Well I think I am but... I just know the outcome, not being negative but I had enough.

Now that I have reach this age of mine, it's getting harder to find the one. You know, The One. I mean, guys are settling down pretty early these days compared to women. And the fact that I am so used of being single for quite sometime make me feel comfortable with my current life. I am free to travel. I am free to do things without the need to tell someone my whereabouts. I don't even tell my parents my whereabouts most of the time. Pity them. I'm sorry. I don't have kids to worry about. My curfew is past midnight. Freedom is a bliss. I am really happy that I am not bombarded by such questions cause I think it would be super tiring and annoying. Like seriously people, why why why? Why can't you let people live their life as they want? Is it bothering you?! It is stressing people out! I do feel sorry for my friends that are stressing out with these questions.

If you say that I am picky, of course I am! I have to! I don't want to rush things, kahwin with someone tangkap muat and end up being a divorcee in months time after being married. Crazy! But I know it's hard to find the one; if I've found one I won't be single like I am now right? Lol And because of that I am pretty much clueless on how do you know that he's The One? Did you feel it? Oh yeah he's The One? And how do you know that you are finally ready to settle down? Or you won't? You just do it?! How? The funny part is, people are actually seek for me when they have love issues. I don't know if I will give them a realistic thoughts or what? Me a total noob is giving people love advises. Well, I gave out my thoughts based on my observations though. And most of the time, my thoughts are harsh. It's easy to advise people but I can never advise myself what to do.  I just don't know. To be exact, I don't know what I want.

Being almost 29 and reaching the 3 series... I somewhat feel uneasy. I don't really bother about what people wanna talk. They can talk all they want. But something inside me is bothering me. Something unsettle. Some of my friends found their soulmate through the dating apps. You name it, Tinder, Baituljannah, whatever else that crossed your mind. I did try but I don't think it's working for me. After all, it's like a massive catalogue for you choose someone that fit your requirements lol. Not sure if I am projecting this thing right but yeah. That's what I think it is. Judging people based from their looks. You got a few matches. It's pretty confusing and hard in Baituljannah cause it's like an Islamic dating app so you're restricted to do things. But you don't simply clicked with the one that you had a match with. You talked and talked but in the end you're not compatible with one another. Worst, you are ghosting one another. I could say it's tiring and boring. It's no fun. It's fun talking to them but like what  a friend said to me if I don't have a definite goal, I won't get what I want. I mean, what do I want from this? To settle down or just to have fun?

That is my problem. Full stop. Thank goodness I'm having super supportive girlfriends that constantly made fun of me being single asking me if I am really into guys? HAHAHAHAHAHAH SORANG SORANG BANGANG! And I love them for being realistic all the time, not to sugar-coating me with things I wanna hear when I got rejected or something. The One will come when it's time. Allah is fair. Just have faith. Maybe my jodoh is around it just our path belum crossed with one another lagi. InsyaAllah soon :)

But am I ready? To settle down?

Yes. Maybe? I don't know.

If someone suddenly proposed me out of nowhere, I really don't know what am I gonna do.

I think I might say yes. Maybe? I don't know.

My girlfriends' prediction is I will end up with someone I just know for few months. It won't be a long relationship before I settle down. Well, we'll see.

Credit: Google.com

Detoxing myself from the social media.

السلام عليكم & 안영 to all ♥♥

Been writing this for days so I really hope it turns out like how I want it to be.

Okay. So I think I should blog about this. I am not sure how to categorize this post but I would say it's kinda personal cause it's like a 'social' experiment towards myself. Alright so early this year, specifically on late March we went to Langkawi; me, Asya and Zureen cause we really need a short weekend getaway during that time. Lol I supposed to blog about that Langkawi trip as well but you know, I am just lazy. We had our special tour guide there who is now an island boy, Ezhar.

So it started when we did the catching up thing with Ezhar, well he's in touch with Asya but not with me and Zureen. Well, we're not that close, not like when we're in school? So yeah, so Ezhar just shut himself off the social media; his Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat and last but not least Twitter. And he's thinking to remove Whatsapp as well. This dude is weird, that's what I first thought. He's still active on Youtube but we could not count Youtube as social media right? Cause it's not.

I could not help but to ask why would he do that? To be honest, at this very moment, like months after our talk I've forgotten the details. But what I could remember is that so much negativity in the social media being the cause. People are competing with one another to become famous. Especially kids these days are like thinking that being famous and known are very very important thing to achieve in their whole life. They are not like us back then. They are different. And we get it, we're living in a different era and it's tough being them. Other than that, you should know better on how attached people these days with their phones, well their social media to be exact.

These days where ever you go, people seem to be very into their world, their social media world. If you're lepaking with your friends, what would you do? You would at least check on your phone, I know to avoid the awkwardness or whatever. I know, myself included. But hey, why don't you try to make more conversations. I mean, try to stay away from your phone. Well, I tried. I know it's hard. I even apologize whenever I had to use my phone. You need that quality time with your friends more than talking to them via tweeting, facebooking or whatsapping while you're together? Doesn't make sense right?

What hit me was, the realization by Ezhar that after he quitted social media, you would realize how important you are to people. Do people actually check into you once you're gone? Or do people even realize that you're now not in the social media any longer? That's when you know, who your real friends are. How important you are to your friends? It hurts, really. Don't you hate it how people actually depend so much on the social media updates rather than actually keeping in touch with them? It's annoying. I mean, you saw their updates on their social media accounts and you would think it's enough. But do you really think it's enough?

What's more? Since we (Read: Me, Asya, Zureen & Ezhar) are more towards twitter, liberalism is starting to conquer the timeline? I'm not sure with another platform though. I mean, this is a very sensitive topic and I could be bias. I mean you read stuff but you think you could deal with it but sometimes it got very very nasty. I mean, if it would kacau your iman, it's better to avoid right? Cause things like this, it would affect your iman eventually. I know you would say, how nipis/rendah your iman to be distracted by this? But hey, if you keep on reading stuff and you start to doubt about your faith... that is no good people. We might screw up our faith. This is one of the negativity I've mentioned earlier.

We agreed as during that time (Read: late March 2018), Twitter was not really messed up, yet. Going to be worst, though. I mean things were still under control? People were fighting for that freedom of speech? Yeah, it's good but there are pro's and con's as usual. I don't feel like talking about this matter though. You think about it yourself, okay.

So how was he when he first quitted? He said he felt as if he committed suicide, his online self. Well, this was coming from someone who was heavily attached to his social media life. So it's tough. He started to read Quran again and he kinda gave few tazkirah. Seriously, he is turning into someone new. And it's good. He gave out some thoughts as well and it had me to think really deep on our our lives. Do we really take our lives for granted? Do we really pay attention to our afterlife?

But commit suicide? I really don't get it then. Like really? Was it really that bad? I got curious, damn curious. Dude, we're living in the social media era. We could not live without it. It's true, though. The old me would scroll all my social media accounts, endlessly. I'll start with the boring one, the Facebook, followed by Instagram and lastly my Twitter. I don't do Snapchat. Well, I just went there for the filters though.

Let me emphasize how social media affects my day routine back then. For Facebook, it's like my contact book where it had my families, schoolmates, college mates and colleagues's daily lives updates. Oh and the wedding invitations. At times, I linked my Instagram post to my Facebook. Since my Facebook friends, most of them do not have Instagram. And I am not a person who post things on Facebook. I shared articles though.

Instagram. Where should I start? I am clearly not an insta famous or what not. I consider my account as my personal album. But only my happy moments shared, obviously. Who in the world shared the sad moments there? But the sad part with Instagram you tend to compare your life with someone else's cause their life seems to be perfect. But don't. Really don't. 

Last but not least, Twitter. Oh I super duper loved Twitter. You can tell I am so much a Twitter person. My Twitter is pretty private. It's where I got my latest news, jokes, memes, and where I vent myself out. I mean, you could totally rant about almost anything and nobody gives a damn about it! At times, it felt like my daily diary. Pretty much why I ditched my blog, cause it felt like I told everything off on Twitter. So there's not so much to blog anymore. Sad.

Everything on Twitter is fast, and I liked it. Though you can't really trust anything people post there but well it's way better than Facebook. Comments on Facebook are way much nastier than on Twitter, well back then. I am not sure how it is now. Oh I forgot to tell, when Ezhar first told this story to us, newly to me and Zureen, I right away de-activated my Facebook. Like that instance. So peeps, if you're looking for me on Facebook, sorry I am no longer there. Sorry I might miss anyone's wedding invitations as well.

Why I deactivated Facebook first? Well, cause it's Facebook? Lol. No need to even think? I have nothing attached to it. Up until now, I don't regret it. Not a bit. Am I easily influenced? No, certainly not. I have already thinking to leave my social media back then but I think it would be impossible. Like how would I do that? And why would I do that? Though I always have this idea to disappear? Like vanish?

So which platform to shut off next was kinda tricky for me. I couldn't choose; I loved Twitter so much that I think I could not live without it. I mean c'mon, it's my freaking source of everything. And so much dramas happened there, you know. Twitter was like a source of entertainment, in a way. So I thought I would shut off my Instagram first. But instead, I chose to leave Twitter first. Cause I think I was way addicted to it. So much. So I need to stop. It's contagious.

I am such a coward, I did not deactivate my Twitter account cause I'm afraid I might regret it someday. So I just uninstall the app in my phone. So how was it? I gotta say the first three days was okay? It was pretty a big deal for me. But thank goodness that I was kinda busy that moment so it did not really bother me. I didn't feel lost or anything. But I do feel empty. I mean, I complaint A LOT! So Twitter had been my ranting medium so I had no idea where should I let it out. So the early days of leaving Twitter had me texted my girlfriends either on iMessage or Whatsapp to rant about stuff. LOL. The bright side of leaving Twitter is I tend to calm myself first rather than just sembur all I wanted online. Seriously I am getting more calm these days. And I am not easily mad as before. I still do, mind you but yeah not as bad as before. It's good. Really. You don't really want to mess with my old self before. Seriously.

I don't realize about it until I don't know. Lol but I loved it. Who like to be mad all the time? I mean my emotional is not that stable. I tend to be so grumpy but I am not any longer. And by not being active on Twitter, I am no longer seeing any stupid stuff/dramas there. Oh oh another big thing is, I got to escape SPOILERS! You know I super duper hate spoilers. No spoilers about those new Marvel/DC's movies, GoTs, any korean dramas I am currently watching; ANY KIND OF SPOILERS. I am totally freeeeeee from it.

Now I'm becoming a normal person who does not own any social media, I mean I have no idea what's up with our current world. Don't even ask me on what's happening or what are the viral stuff these days. I really have zero idea about it. No kidding. Whenever people talk about the viral stuff, I'd go krik krik krik and they had explain to me. I don't think I am missing anything. It's good for now. I still have my brother and friends to update me on that lol.

Oh if you're wondering, yes I am keeping my Instagram. And I am happy with it at the moment. I gotta admit that I get bored sometimes but I just have to deal with it, slowly. And I actually manage not to have the other two accounts. I did cheat for Twitter, I mean I logged into it sometimes but I don't have that feeling to re-join.

So now I'm pretty much Netflix and chill. LOL. Well I am not fully detoxing myself but I'm getting there? It just that now I am more sensitive to my surroundings more than before. This is only my personal side story of trying to detox myself from the social medias. I don't feel like I lost myself but I did feel alone, empty for leaving my social media. But I am loving how I am feeling now, it's totally better than before. Especially the grumpy part. Maybe later, I might shut down my Instagram as well. It is just a matter of time :)

Credit: Google

Jalan Jalan New Zealand: The touchdown.

السلام عليكم & 안영 to all ♥♥

One of the trip yang stucked in my draft tab. I will make it into few posts. This post might be long, might be not. And I might have forgotten most of the thing. Tapi saya cuba sedaya upaya saya. This trip was around May last year. Almost a year ago kot. 

This one friend had been bugging me to go travel with her; anywhere but we never really plan anything about it. For me, if you don't have specific place to go... It would be hard to even plan cause we do not have definite place to go. Takkan nak study banyak banyak tempat?

Tiba tiba AAX announced route to New Zealand. Oh my goodness. Dalam banyak2 tempat! So my friend and I terus tergedik-gedik menunggu the official booking date. Normally the rate would be cheaper time route baru bukak. Slightly cheaper, I mean.

So it's then confirmed, we're going to New Zealand! However, we're going to the southern part; South Island. FYI, for now AAX only has one route to NZ; KL - Auckland. Auckland is in the northern part; North Island. Masa tuh baru tau keadaan geografi NZ nih. Mencabar jugak lah study map dia. But it's quite straight-forward actually.

Oh bear in mind that this route ada transit dekat Gold Coast, Australia. Bukan direct flight. Oh no need to apply for Australian Visa for this. We actually did, tapi dia tak check pon cause we didn't go through the Australian immigration time transit. Transit dia sejam sahaja, korang setakat sempat buat security check, pergi toilet, minum air sekejap then dia dah panggil naik kapal terbang balik. Nothing much. Nak cakap Gold Coast I was here pon macam tak dan.

During KL-Gold Coast flight, I was sitting beside a guy I think. No chat whatsoever. And he turun dekat Gold Coast. So I had a new partner during my Gold Coast-Auckland flight, which was a Muslim lady. She's going to visit her relatives in NZ, if I'm not mistaken. So we did chat a bit. She asked about the menu cause she's about to order for her family members; her husband and two boys. Of course I suggested her to take the infamous Nasi Lemak Pak Nasser! Hahaha. Had to explain a bit about the dish, and she loved it I think. She said it tasted good. Okay the moment of bangga sekejap.  Oh and I suggested that she should come to Malaysia one day. Haruslah promote negara sendiri kan?

Credit: Google.com

At the very beginning, we thought of doing the caravan trip cause it would be awesome! So I asked Zureen since she had done that before. Apart from that I've contacted a different NZ-based tour guide. And she's a Malaysian named Kak Aida. She was the sweetest, she layan all my soalan and stuff. But in the end, after re-calculate the cost; we decided to just do a normal road trip. Not a caravan trip. Cause it would be just the three of us. Less cost; in short. But we're not doing back-packing as well. No. I even DM-ed Hani Sharaf to ask stuffs. And I asked her not to tell Farhana Bakri. Lalalala~

Oh before I forgot, my partners in crime for this #LDLtakesNZ trip were; Lelang and Lems. Lems is Lelang's friend from high school. I've never met her before this trip. In the making of kawan baru jugak lah kiranya.

We decided to go to Christchurch from Auckland to reach the South Island. They're a few medium of transportation that can be used to reach there. We chose the airplane; cause it's faster! As we reached Auckland that evening, the only airline that fit our time was Air New Zealand. It was nice, we learnt to drop our own baggages for the first time there. Like how they're trying to apply it here now. Memang kelam kabut jugak sebab tak tahu macam mana nak buat and kebetulan there were no staff around. So menarik. End up we asked the other passengers who were around. Leuls.

Touchdown baby!

OOTD yang tak berapa meyakinkan.

Me, Lelang & Lems.

Gigih lah sorong bag ke luar semata-mata nak ambil gambar dekat luar bangunan. It was windy so start lah seronok jakun bagai dengan udara sejuk sikit tuh. Oh it was drizzling, I think. Who knew, itu hanyalah starter episode hujan di sana.

Akak tuh busy buat kira-kira perbelanjaan.

Sementara menunggu nak masuk dalam, acah acah minum hot chocolate. 

anti-social bila dah dapat WiFi

For our first night in Christchurch, we decided to stay somewhere very close to the airport. As we would arrive quite late that night. We spent a night in this lovely cottage. You can check for Water Lily Garden if you're looking for somewhere to stay here.

It was already late when we reached Christchurch. We met Mr Cameron from Shoestringrentals cause we rented a car from him for our trip. He showed us around, the do's and don'ts. It was really dark, and all of us were already dead tired. We spent the past 24 hours in-flight. Almost. So we couldn't wait to see our bed for the night!

Oh and we rented the GPS as well, as we wouldn't need to be using our mobile data throughout our journey. We bought a traveller sim from Vodafone in the airport if I'm not mistaken. Only one sim to be shared among us. Nak jimat oi, simcard dia mahal noks.

So with the help of our GPS, we searched for the place. It was dark outside. The streetlights were super dimmed. And and and and the speed limit was no joke; 60 kmh the maximum? Untuk kita2 yang dah biasa tak tengok speed limit nih, dia macam wei wei giler kentang nak slow macam nih. It was really tough guys. Since I was the one who drove the car first; macam makcik lah akak drive time tuh. 

We safely arrived at Water Lily Garden and I bet everyone's already sleeping. It was dark. It was really dark guys. I think we've notified them that we're gonna be late so yeah. Upon entering the place, we saw our cute cottage with my name on the door. That was nice. Yup that's it. The room was super cute for the three of us. My bad I didn't snap a picture inside cause I was dead tired and we needed to get up early tomorrow. We would be having a long trip for the next day. 

This was our cute little cottage.

We were running out of time actually. Cause before we started our journey for the day, we'd like to go to the grocery first. So we headed out, packed up our stuff into the car and the owner saw us. We greeted each other, she was really sweet but I totally forgotten her name. She asked us to have breakfast first. Ktorg pon tak makan apa lagi, yela dah lambat so layankan aja.

I super love the dining area! You could see a little pond outside. Feeling2 ompotih pagi2.

The little pond.

I wish to have a house like this. So cantik and menenangkan.

We settled the payment and we're ready to go!

The first driver of the day.

Dah masuk highway. Highway depa macam jenis jalan kampung. Mostly memang satu lane sahaja. Speed limit paling tinggi adalah 100kmh. Good luck ye kawan-kawan yang terasa nak memandu di sini. Bayangkan jalan lengang gitu, kental lah drive. Hahaha.

We got a little bit excited when we saw a Caravan.

The famous NZ cows.

At one point, speed limit dia 70kmh sahaja. Sila patuh ye kawan kawan.

Just then we were mesmerized by the beautiful view. Subhanallah. Memang cantik sangat so we decided to stop. And ambil gambar! I didn't know what was the name of this place cause we randomly stopped. Trust me, just stop whenever you rasa the view is lawa. Kiri kanan toleh memang lawa sangat. Kawasan gunung ganang dia memang cantik lah buat album kahwin. Tak tipu punya. But be safe. Park your car properly at the road side. Kita nih dekat negara orang, so elok eloklah.

Selamba je tak tutup pintu macam tuh uolls. Jangan tiru aksi kami.

The same caravan just now.

We finally arrived at Lake Tekapo. As we parked our car, kami kinda berkira-kira untuk keluar cause it started to drizzle. Macam alahai dah hujan pulak. Tapi lantak pi lah kan, dah datang jauh2 takkan nak patah semangat disebabkan hujan? Kahkahkah. So gigih lah kami bertiga melawan angin dan hujan. Gigil bhai, tapi persetankan aja semua itu. Hahahaha

Model of the day.

Taknak pergi dekat dengan air sebab lagi sejuk. Barai

We continued our journey to Lake Pukaki. Dekat sini you could see banyak caravan so I guess it's one of the places that you stay for a night, I mean for a camping/caravan? The view for me was kinda creepy. I mean, it looked like macam horror movie omputih, you know. It just gave me chill looking at the area, so we didn't stay that long. But the view was still amazing! Seriously.

Feeling2 Twilight. HAHAHAHAHA

The drizzling rain was getting harder. We managed to find Twizel Holiday Park. We already booked a room there before hand. Well, we've booked everything in advance actually. Mudah kerja di sana kan?

Semua stock kebulur bila dah sampai bilik. The good thing was our room just located beside the common area. There two girls inside, one with her laptop while another was doing something else. So what did we have that night? Nasi impit with sardine. We used the Holiday Park's pots to boil the nasi impit while my own Korean periuk for the sardine. 

Alhamdulillah kenyang. Janji dapat nasi uolls. Dasar Melayu. Kahkahkahkah.

Flatlay yang gagal.

I shall continue with the next part. I hope very soon for it. Thanks for reading guys!

Nota kaki: Gambar sangat banyak actually untuk share semua dekat sini. So ini hanyalah gambar-gambar yang terpilih.