I am writing this on the third day of COVEid. Selamat Hari Raya everyone. Raya does feel different this year, I mean for most people I guess. For me, I'm not sure how was I feeling. It was okay. I like the simplicity we're having this year. I guess I've always wanted this. Nice and calm. Intimate celebration, some might say. Apart from adapting to the new norm, of course I want all of this to end... ultimately, for good.
I was sitting with a good friend, wearing a mask in my car. Nothing can beat a good face-to-face conversation. As we're soon turning thirty, this kind of talk is pretty common whenever we meet up. In short, we don't like in becoming thirty. We never do. We thought that life is pretty much incomplete now that we're reaching thirty. No we're not competing nor feeling jealous of anyone else.
We have our own goals in life. It's sad that we didn't achieve as much as we wanted to. Obviously our goals are not the same. It just the feelings is the same. Is it emptiness we're feeling? What is this feeling? I am not so sure. Unhappy? I can't say though.
"Why do you always push someone away?" She asked me.
"Why you push someone who likes you?"
"Why would I do that?" I asked myself back. You know whenever someone likes me or someone told me this specific someone likes me I would end up with the same exact question; "Why do they like me?" And I guess, this is not normal. I keep on questioning their feelings towards me as if I do not deserve the likings. Don't you guys feel the same way? Don't you question anyone's feeling? Or is it just me?
As my friend dig deeper, we went through our childhood all over again. We had same childhood moments so we know each other's memories quite well. Going back to 2001; that's when I think I fall hard for someone. It's not like kid's love story these days but yeah. It started with merely a crush then it went kinda 'bad' in a good way. Not until everyone knew that I liked that person; I became so anxious. Why did people need to know about it and make fun of it? I just don't like being teased in such way.
I was feeling so vulnerable. Guess what, someone told that person that I liked him. I never feel so humiliated ever in my entire life. My friend and I did the darnest thing quite a lot back then, I didn't know it was an act to get attentions from our crushes or what. But we did plenty of stupid things. One time, I thought that person might like me back. I guess my life was not a Disney-rom-com back then, no he didn't like me. He liked my friend instead. Another good friend of mine.
That was the beginning of all. I just realized from this conversation, how I started to shut off myself from 'love'. Back then I thought this was just a stupid crush feeling, but wait until I finish my story. It took me a while to actually moved on. I had no idea how but I did have a crush on a new person. It was kinda brief though cause it happened again.
It turned out the new crush like that good friend of mine as well. Lol huh? This couldn't be happening right? Oh well it did. I think from that moment, little that I know I started to build a massive thick shell around myself. I was broken. I shrugged it off in laughter back then. Made fun of how I liked someone and they ended up liking my friend, worst the same friend.
To be honest I had no hard feeling towards my friend. It's not her fault about my crushes liking her anyway. Yet I had myself not liking anyone starting from then. I kept on thinking that if I've ever like someone, that particular someone would end up liking my friend... again. Of course I did question what makes me less than my friend? It is a very subjective question, though.
Years went by, I did like some people. I just don't tell the world about it. Cause I don't want to bummed about people knowing my crushes were liking my friends. And yet some people turned out to be liking my friends as well. I thought to myself, "Is this some kind of fate... written for me?" I couldn't help but to feel so negative about it. I was like, "Why am I not them?" I started to refraining myself to like anyone in a way, thinking of possibilities they might end up liking someone else but me. As much as I don't want to remember any of this, I just couldn't. It has been part of my life.
Just like that, whenever someone shows interest toward me... I'd be like
"Why do they like me for?"
"Are you sure you like me and not someone else?"
"For real gosh why?"
I couldn't help but to keep feeling this way. I didn't response, normally. I guess I am just scared. Very scared indeed.
"We accept the love we think we deserve." - One of my favourite quote from The Perks of Being A Wallflower.
I feel bad for them and of course myself. I should be sorry myself, right? For feeling or acting that way? For thinking I don't deserve those love? But I just cannot stop feeling so insecure about someone I like end up liking my friend again. Yeah, I am emotionally wrecked.
I am turning thirty and this shit is not funny anymore. It is just pathetic. I just realized that I've been having this 'trauma' all along. So how do I get it out of my system?
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