Four days before February ends. Also hari bersejarah di mana suntikan vaksin mula diberikan; starting with the PM and DG. Have you registered yourself to get vaccinated? I hope you do. Pray for the very best everyone, insyaAllah.
I've written my first post of 2021 very recently and I'm itching to drop more. Maybe I just miss blogging and I need somewhere to let out what I've been dealing, in total. Yeah sometimes I did rant on Twitter but I don't like how I would become very toxic. That's why I deactivated my Twitter for couple of days recently. I thought I want to do social detox all over again, I failed. My Instagram though, gotta be my happy place. I don't treat it as toxic. I love seeing people happy with their lives and I don't feel bothered or anything. And I shared my happy moments as well. Never the sendu one. Okay maybe just my songs yang sendu. And it's gone public now cause I am participating for a contest to win GD's AF1. Wish me luck!
So am I freaking out of the thoughts of freaking out about being thirty plus? What am I actually feeling now? Well I guess I opened up more than ever now compared to what I used to do whenever I was extremely devastated. I used to push everyone away, giving everyone a complete silent treatment no matter how persistent they were on checking me out. I was being an arse. I was so sad to deal with anything that I would want to just vanish. Or deported to somewhere unpopulated. I could barely talk to anyone about how I felt. I kept it to myself. That's how I was building up anxiety and depression, that time. It was really hard to survive. I think I hated myself for being myself. Like I wanted to reach out but there was something holding me out.
That was how I dealt with grief, kot. Very bad. And I felt bad to my good friends who are always checking out for me. It took me months to get out from my dark bubbles. I definitely don't want to go back to that phase every again. Yeah, it is indeed once in a blue moon. But never again. It was very tiring dealing myself.
Is it happening again this time? Yes. But I am treating it differently this time. I did not push anyone away. I talked to my closed friends. I didn't keep it to myself. At least I didn't get any anxiety or being depressed this time around. I am just sad and hurt of what's happening. Basically you can tell what's happening to me at the moment without I am telling you the details. If I am using TikTok terms; in short I catch feelings towards someone I am was talking online for few months. As much as I don't want to, I think it has end for real this time. I mean well it is just guts telling me that. So yeah, I am sad about it. Funny how I could fall for someone who isn't my type and to be honest I am really clueless how did I end up liking this one. I mean, when? How? Cause I remembered how I treated this one like a super good friend whom I can talk about anything in the very first place. Oh damn.
If you know me good enough, you should know how little experiences I had on my love life in my entire life. I am such a noob every single time. And every single time, I am dealing with a complete new specimen. It felt like I am levelling myself up with every heartbreak I got. Until I meet The One lah kot? Maybe I am becoming impatient because I have reach thirty. I know everyone tells you there is no rush about it yada yada yada. Yeah it was before Covid. I did living my life the fullest okay. I didn't even bother about this stuff. I got heartbroken just because I could not fly out. That's it. But now, we could not even cross state! That is just miserable.
They said keep your options open. Even I myself advised my girlfriends that. Guess who couldn't do that? Yups, yours truly. I just don't know how can you multitask your damn feelings. Maybe I just hate the talking stage so much. It is so effin' tiring! It's hard for me to click with just anyone. So when I do, I would cherish them so much. Oddly enough, if I am manifesting that particular person, I couldn't see any red flags. I was so blinded of love. Is it love? No right? But blinded lah.
I really want to move on fast this time around. I tried to distract myself more than ever. I get myself busy with work. I went out most of the day. I just couldn't stay home. I would be miserable. Cause I would keep on thinking about stuff I don't want to. I couldn't get myself into dating apps as well. And the fact that I have deleted my dating app account. Previously I only uninstall the app but I don't feel like using it. Oh well. As much as I want a distraction, I want to talk someone new. I am just not ready. Oh maybe cause I simply don't want to. That's why I am mad at myself. I could feel this would take some time.
I do really want to get married. But yeah not just with anybody. I am not someone who is okay with love after marriage kind of thing. And I want kids. At this rate, I am more scared not able to have kids. Thank God, the girlfriends have beautiful babies than I can treat as mine. But of course I want few of my own. My girlfriend suggested that I should ask, "Nak kahwin dengan I tak?" And I replied, "I think I can if my random mode datang." She also asked, "What is your story's ending this time?" I am lost for words. I don't have any. At times I am just jealous with those who just met that particular someone and ended up married to each other months after. Really that easy? I mean yeah I know if it's your jodoh, everything would be easy. Oh well.
You know why I want to get out from this phase of mine so bad? Because when this happened, I would be the laziest AF to look for my jodoh. I didn't even bother. Malas. Just malas. Malas nak repeat benda benda bodoh. There I said it. My girlfriend knows me too well so she's dead worried when I am in this phase. Cause I would be shutting myself out. More like shutting my heart for anyone. From everything. You think I like it? NO! I don't. I'll try harder this time. But the thought of starting over is just ...........................
I should pray harder, I know. I should put my trust and faith in Allah's plan for me. And I pray hard this heartbreak or whatever you want to call it end very soon.
And I am hoping my hair to grow faster. I regretted so much that I bleached my whole head during MCO 1.0. Just because I wanted to have ash blue colored hair. In which didn't turn out like I wish for. At the end, I chopped off my hair. It was so hideous. Can't wait it to be at least shoulder length so I would go the a proper salon this time to have a blue colored hair. LOL
p/s: I end up writing so much again. I'm thinking to change my blog template as well but not in the mood. Maybe later.
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