Unsmile

السلام عليكم,

I think too much.

Overthinking as they say.

I can't help it. I want to stop so badly but I don't know how.

Up until I've had it enough.

Can I stop thinking they are so many others that are more unfortunate than I am? That I have to be grateful.

I am grateful but at times you're having these nasty thoughts and people keep saying to you like hey yours is not as bad as others.

Screw them. I am tired. Emotionally tired.

I am tired of patting my own back every time I had a hard time.

I am tired of telling myself that every thing will be fine in time.

Cause it is never okay.

Like now, I am feeling a burning sensation in my mind. It feels like my mind or is it my brain is about to explode.

And my hair is starting to fall very bad. Like super bad. (Google said it's either I'm stress or hormonal imbalance)

And the fact that I think I am faking my smile.

It's hard for me to smile these days.

I am frowning more than usual these days.

It feels empty and quiet around me but in my mind it's super hard core metal music playing around. 

Funny how when I tried to Google "Why do I feel like pushing people away?" and that suicidal/depression hotline showed up in no1. Even Naz advised me to call up the hotline if I ever feeling down.

Am I sick? Am I that transparent now?

This thing will eventually go away right?

It's not the first time I am feeling this way, it just that this time around it looks super bad.

Shutting down.

Take a deep breath

Until both sides of your heart get numb

Until it hurts a little

Let out your breath even more

Until you feel

Like there’s nothing left inside

It’s alright if you run out of breath

No one will blame you

It’s okay to make mistakes sometimes

Because anyone can do so

Although comforting by saying it’s alright

Are just words