Life: An update.

السلام عليكم,

Hello... it's been really a while.

I didn't even blog last year. It's now year 2023 and we're still in January. Time passed rather too slow this month. As always.

How are you people? How are you really? 

I didn't tweet much these days. I just liked tweets, I don't even retweet. I posted Instagram stories, snippets of my life. But Instagram will remain private as I don't want people to know my private life lol. After covid, I thought I need to document every single moment of my life. And me having short-term memory these days is not helping. Hence documenting my life is really helpful. But to record every single thing is quite tough and slightly annoying. The documentation was daily basis back in 2021 but I changed it to few episodes in 2022. This year? I have no idea. I just record and post as Instagram allows story up to 1-minute long. 

At the moment, I am thinking to have a part-time job. Something that never cross my mind, doing a part-time job. Life is just hard these days. Commitments. Commitments. Commitments. I went to few interviews but I guess luck is not with me. Of course I had my hopes high. I know it's not good but I cannot help it. Now I am sad cause I really want a new job. A new opportunity. A new pay check. Sigh who doesn't?

How is it being 30 plus? It's not fun if talking about the huge responsibility. I am tired. Am I still feeling like missing out something in life? Yes, I do. Do I still compare my life with someone else's? Yes, I do. Do I still thinking about migrating? Yes, I do. 

Life is short. Really short. Just end of last year, a colleague lost her husband in a tragic accident. And on my 31st birthday, Zureen lost her dearest mom. And recently, my girlfriend's sister just found that she has cancer... Ovary cancer, stage 1. I'm scared cause I have never go for a checkup after I had my fibroid removed. I'm in denial cause I'm scared that it could be recurring. The chances to have my own babies as well, yup I am being in denial. I'm scared of the future. My own future. Life is way too unexpected. 

You know my period has been irregular ever since that I'm not quite know my cycle well. LOL. but for the past four months, yup four months to be exact my period has been very regular. That it's a bit weird for me to be this regular. When you're used to be abnormal, this is odd. At least, I am still normal?

Nothing much happened last year in particular. Few heartbreaks that I wish it never happened. That's it. But one of the encounter actually got viral on Twitter. Like whoa I almost get scammed? This one is really persistent to meet my parents. Like for me, we just met and we barely know each other? I won't simply make you meet Pak Jelan and Ibu Noly! Ibu Noly mungkin but Pak Jelan is gonna be a tough one. Even I'm scared lol. So apparently this one would be cosy with you and your parents like super legit serious then he scammed you. I just got lucky cause it's just hard for me to trust anyone. Too skeptical towards people and it's a good thing.

Oh I went to an art exhibition. Naz brought me there. It's Van Gogh anyways. It was fun. Something new for me. Well, I wish to cherish this year and hoping it to be a very good year. I just wanna be happy. Full stop.

Plot twist.

السلام عليكم,

Unexpected bomb has dropped on me.

Literally.

I am telling myself that the right one will come soon.

السلام عليكم,

Four days before February ends. Also hari bersejarah di mana suntikan vaksin mula diberikan; starting with the PM and DG. Have you registered yourself to get vaccinated? I hope you do. Pray for the very best everyone, insyaAllah.

I've written my first post of 2021 very recently and I'm itching to drop more. Maybe I just miss blogging and I need somewhere to let out what I've been dealing, in total. Yeah sometimes I did rant on Twitter but I don't like how I would become very toxic. That's why I deactivated my Twitter for couple of days recently. I thought I want to do social detox all over again, I failed. My Instagram though, gotta be my happy place. I don't treat it as toxic. I love seeing people happy with their lives and I don't feel bothered or anything. And I shared my happy moments as well. Never the sendu one. Okay maybe just my songs yang sendu. And it's gone public now cause I am participating for a contest to win GD's AF1. Wish me luck!

So am I freaking out of the thoughts of freaking out about being thirty plus? What am I actually feeling now? Well I guess I opened up more than ever now compared to what I used to do whenever I was extremely devastated. I used to push everyone away, giving everyone a complete silent treatment no matter how persistent they were on checking me out. I was being an arse. I was so sad to deal with anything that I would want to just vanish. Or deported to somewhere unpopulated. I could barely talk to anyone about how I felt. I kept it to myself. That's how I was building up anxiety and depression, that time. It was really hard to survive. I think I hated myself for being myself. Like I wanted to reach out but there was something holding me out. 

That was how I dealt with grief, kot. Very bad. And I felt bad to my good friends who are always checking out for me. It took me months to get out from my dark bubbles. I definitely don't want to go back to that phase every again. Yeah, it is indeed once in a blue moon. But never again. It was very tiring dealing myself. 

Is it happening again this time? Yes. But I am treating it differently this time. I did not push anyone away. I talked to my closed friends. I didn't keep it to myself. At least I didn't get any anxiety or being depressed this time around. I am just sad and hurt of what's happening. Basically you can tell what's happening to me at the moment without I am telling you the details. If I am using TikTok terms; in short I catch feelings towards someone I am was talking online for few months. As much as I don't want to, I think it has end for real this time. I mean well it is just guts telling me that. So yeah, I am sad about it. Funny how I could fall for someone who isn't my type and to be honest I am really clueless how did I end up liking this one. I mean, when? How? Cause I remembered how I treated this one like a super good friend whom I can talk about anything in the very first place. Oh damn.

If you know me good enough, you should know how little experiences I had on my love life in my entire life. I am such a noob every single time. And every single time, I am dealing with a complete new specimen. It felt like I am levelling myself up with every heartbreak I got. Until I meet The One lah kot? Maybe I am becoming impatient because I have reach thirty. I know everyone tells you there is no rush about it yada yada yada. Yeah it was before Covid. I did living my life the fullest okay. I didn't even bother about this stuff. I got heartbroken just because I could not fly out. That's it. But now, we could not even cross state! That is just miserable.

They said keep your options open. Even I myself advised my girlfriends that. Guess who couldn't do that? Yups, yours truly. I just don't know how can you multitask your damn feelings. Maybe I just hate the talking stage so much. It is so effin' tiring! It's hard for me to click with just anyone. So when I do, I would cherish them so much. Oddly enough, if I am manifesting that particular person, I couldn't see any red flags. I was so blinded of love. Is it love? No right? But blinded lah. 

I really want to move on fast this time around. I tried to distract myself more than ever. I get myself busy with work. I went out most of the day. I just couldn't stay home. I would be miserable. Cause I would keep on thinking about stuff I don't want to. I couldn't get myself into dating apps as well. And the fact that I have deleted my dating app account. Previously I only uninstall the app but I don't feel like using it. Oh well. As much as I want a distraction, I want to talk someone new. I am just not ready. Oh maybe cause I simply don't want to. That's why I am mad at myself. I could feel this would take some time. 

I do really want to get married. But yeah not just with anybody. I am not someone who is okay with love after marriage kind of thing. And I want kids. At this rate, I am more scared not able to have kids. Thank God, the girlfriends have beautiful babies than I can treat as mine. But of course I want few of my own. My girlfriend suggested that I should ask, "Nak kahwin dengan I tak?" And I replied, "I think I can if my random mode datang." She also asked, "What is your story's ending this time?" I am lost for words. I don't have any. At times I am just jealous with those who just met that particular someone and ended up married to each other months after. Really that easy? I mean yeah I know if it's your jodoh, everything would be easy. Oh well. 

You know why I want to get out from this phase of mine so bad? Because when this happened, I would be the laziest AF to look for my jodoh. I didn't even bother. Malas. Just malas. Malas nak repeat benda benda bodoh. There I said it. My girlfriend knows me too well so she's dead worried when I am in this phase. Cause I would be shutting myself out. More like shutting my heart for anyone. From everything. You think I like it? NO! I don't. I'll try harder this time. But the thought of starting over is just ...........................

I should pray harder, I know. I should put my trust and faith in Allah's plan for me. And I pray hard this heartbreak or whatever you want to call it end very soon. 

And I am hoping my hair to grow faster. I regretted so much that I bleached my whole head during MCO 1.0. Just because I wanted to have ash blue colored hair. In which didn't turn out like I wish for. At the end, I chopped off my hair. It was so hideous. Can't wait it to be at least shoulder length so I would go the a proper salon this time to have a blue colored hair. LOL

p/s: I end up writing so much again. I'm thinking to change my blog template as well but not in the mood. Maybe later.

Hello Dua Puluh Dua Satu.

السلام عليكم,

How are you guys doing? 

Or should I ask myself, How am I doing right now?

Anyways, Happy 2021! 

Today is February 18th. We are still in the state of MCO.

As I am residing in Selangor, this lovely MCO is extended until March 4th. How interesting.

How am I cooperating with this?

This whole MCO makes me reflect the life I've been living for the past few years.

Why is it suffocating, I know it's just not me; it's everyone.

But what's more for me? I realized that I am not a home person, 

regardless considering myself as an introvert.

What I meant is, ever since i started working I always working till late. 

Like sadistic life I had before, keluar gelap balik gelap.

Not until I switched to the current job, keluar cerah balik cerah. 

But cos I would go lepak, so I'll reach home dah gelap.

But as I grew older, I did love spend my weekend at home. 

My old body is just tired to go out during weekend. 

MCO 1.0, I got so paranoid. I was so afraid to go out. 

There was one incident at the office, our intern was in contact with a positive person.

Cause it was something new, everyone was scared including me.

I was crying myself out not wanting to go home as if I am infected.

My colleagues were shocked to see me crying cause they always thought I am heartless. LOL

But I couldn't stop crying. From then, I think I just stayed home and I was fine with it.

I remembered the first time I got to do grocery shopping instead of ayah. I was the happiest.

Too happy to see outside world.

Yet, I got to say I was the happiest when I was driving to the office for the first time after so long.

The traffic was super damn fine. Even though I could see no one at the office, I was so happy.

It felt like I could finally breathe again. I missed this, I thought to myself.

I got to say, any further incidents afterwards it didn't really bother me.

I mean not emotionally bothered me. I could think straight and chill myself out.

We went from MCO to CMCO to RMCO. 

Now we're back to MCO, yet again. 

Of course, everyone is asking everyone else, when would this end?

Do you think the vaccine is the right answer though?

I wish we have the answer guys.

Writing this, I didn't blog anything about my 30th birthday.

Sigh. It was on the sudden CMCO. I was so heartbroken.

I think my post here is kinda selfish but I am writing what was I feeling.

Maybe I was mad enough that my Bali trip with the girlfriends had to be cancelled.

We were supposed to celebrate our 30th together. LOL party hard.

Padahal in denial nak masuk 30.

So when my birthday trip to PD had to be cancelled due to CMCO, I really couldn't take it.

But I love everyone who made my quarantine birthday bermakna. You guys are the sweetest!

At least I was not sad on my birthday.

Oh we finally had our short staycation to cover our Bali trip in KL. 

Literally spent extra for that insane view of KLCC.

Funny how the girlfriends tak tarik the blinds sebab taknak membazir paying for the view.

SIS DAH LAH TAK BOLEH TIDUR KALAU TAK GELAP. I was struggling to sleep actually.

And now I am looking forward for more staycations. Tak kisah lah dalam Selangor/KL je.

Wow I can't believe I am turning 31 this year.

So are you seeing someone? LOL

I wish I can finally say yes to this, but nope.

In fact not talking to anyone as I am writing this. 

How am I feeling right now? The truth; koyak.

I'm currently off from Tinder. Why?

I think I had enough? I don't feel like going into that talking stage again. Bosan.

I forgot whether I off my radar there or not? 

Cause I only uninstall the apps not deleted my account.

My super close friends suggested me to find the One 'organically' instead of in dating apps.

To organically find the One in this pandemic era?

And me someone who just too shy to look at someone's eye? 

How can I buat eye contact or even flirt in public places?

I laughed so hard at their suggestion. 

Can I just wish something magical would happen this year?

Cause sis dah kembali ke mode malas.

But I really love the idea of getting married during MCO. 

Cause I can get the small intimate wedding that I always wanted.

Because of MCO 2.0, I joined TikTok. Surprisingly I learnt ALOT there! LOL

Two days ago, I received an invitation into Clubhouse. 

So yeah, I am now in Clubhouse as well. Not in the mood to explore yet but I kinda like the concept.

I feel like re-doing my Social Media detox again but I don't think I can survive during this crucial time.

Oh I just found out about that Sugarb*0k thinggy since it went viral. 

Funny how I recently had this conversation about this SD/SB with someone.

So I was like, oh selama ni ada dedicated platform? I am such a noob.

I hope MCO will only be extended until March 4th. Please no more.

Thank you.

Not one of the roses.

السلام عليكم,

I am writing this on the third day of COVEid. Selamat Hari Raya everyone. Raya does feel different this year, I mean for most people I guess. For me, I'm not sure how was I feeling. It was okay. I like the simplicity we're having this year. I guess I've always wanted this. Nice and calm. Intimate celebration, some might say. Apart from adapting to the new norm, of course I want all of this to end... ultimately, for good.

I was sitting with a good friend, wearing a mask in my car. Nothing can beat a good face-to-face conversation. As we're soon turning thirty, this kind of talk is pretty common whenever we meet up. In short, we don't like in becoming thirty. We never do. We thought that life is pretty much incomplete now that we're reaching thirty. No we're not competing nor feeling jealous of anyone else.

We have our own goals in life. It's sad that we didn't achieve as much as we wanted to. Obviously our goals are not the same. It just the feelings is the same. Is it emptiness we're feeling? What is this feeling? I am not so sure. Unhappy? I can't say though.

"Why do you always push someone away?" She asked me.

"Why you push someone who likes you?"

"Why would I do that?" I asked myself back. You know whenever someone likes me or someone told me this specific someone likes me I would end up with the same exact question; "Why do they like me?" And I guess, this is not normal. I keep on questioning their feelings towards me as if I do not deserve the likings. Don't you guys feel the same way? Don't you question anyone's feeling? Or is it just me?

As my friend dig deeper, we went through our childhood all over again. We had same childhood moments so we know each other's memories quite well. Going back to 2001; that's when I think I fall hard for someone. It's not like kid's love story these days but yeah. It started with merely a crush then it went kinda 'bad' in a good way. Not until everyone knew that I liked that person; I became so anxious. Why did people need to know about it and make fun of it? I just don't like being teased in such way.

I was feeling so vulnerable. Guess what, someone told that person that I liked him. I never feel so humiliated ever in my entire life. My friend and I did the darnest thing quite a lot back then, I didn't know it was an act to get attentions from our crushes or what. But we did plenty of stupid things. One time, I thought that person might like me back. I guess my life was not a Disney-rom-com back then, no he didn't like me. He liked my friend instead. Another good friend of mine.

That was the beginning of all. I just realized from this conversation, how I started to shut off myself from 'love'. Back then I thought this was just a stupid crush feeling, but wait until I finish my story. It took me a while to actually moved on. I had no idea how but I did have a crush on a new person. It was kinda brief though cause it happened again.

It turned out the new crush like that good friend of mine as well. Lol huh? This couldn't be happening right? Oh well it did. I think from that moment, little that I know I started to build a massive thick shell around myself. I was broken. I shrugged it off in laughter back then. Made fun of how I liked someone and they ended up liking my friend, worst the same friend.

To be honest I had no hard feeling towards my friend. It's not her fault about my crushes liking her anyway. Yet I had myself not liking anyone starting from then. I kept on thinking that if I've ever like someone, that particular someone would end up liking my friend... again. Of course I did question what makes me less than my friend? It is a very subjective question, though.

Years went by, I did like some people. I just don't tell the world about it. Cause I don't want to bummed about people knowing my crushes were liking my friends. And yet some people turned out to be liking my friends as well. I thought to myself, "Is this some kind of fate... written for me?" I couldn't help but to feel so negative about it. I was like, "Why am I not them?" I started to refraining myself to like anyone in a way, thinking of possibilities they might end up liking someone else but me. As much as I don't want to remember any of this, I just couldn't. It has been part of my life.

Just like that, whenever someone shows interest toward me... I'd be like

"Why do they like me for?"

"Are you sure you like me and not someone else?"

"For real gosh why?"

I couldn't help but to keep feeling this way. I didn't response, normally. I guess I am just scared. Very scared indeed.

"We accept the love we think we deserve." - One of my favourite quote from The Perks of Being A Wallflower.

I feel bad for them and of course myself. I should be sorry myself, right? For feeling or acting that way? For thinking I don't deserve those love? But I just cannot stop feeling so insecure about someone I like end up liking my friend again. Yeah, I am emotionally wrecked.

I am turning thirty and this shit is not funny anymore. It is just pathetic. I just realized that I've been having this 'trauma' all along. So how do I get it out of my system?

Not So Hello 2020!

السلام عليكم,

Day 7 of Movement Control Order (MCO)
I am so much alive while working from home.
Indeed I am really working so I am kinda proud of myself.
Maybe I have that stigma that you can never work from home, well I mean it's hard.
But somehow I managed to survive up until the 7th day woohoo!
I will definitely blog a special post in regards of Covid-19; something did happen in a way.
And it was enough to freak my entire life.

I just realized I haven't post anything this year and it's almost April. WHOA
I thought 2020 would be great; who could've thought it would be such a nightmare.
At least I thought something magical would happen to me this year. Well there is still hope.
2020 is still a long journey to begin with.

Anyways, I will paksa myself to blog about all my SepetEscapes for the past years.
Okay scratch, maybe just last year.
Stay tuned. Stay Safe. Maintain Social Distancing.
Stay strong Front-liners!
We can do this everyone!

Source: Google

Confessed and broken.

Dayya woke up surprised. It was as if she was having a nightmare. That dream was ultimately odd. She blankly stared at her white wall, trying hard to register the dream she was just having.

“What the flying f*ck?” She hissed under her breath.

She let out a long deep sigh.

“What was that about?” Still trying to fathom the odd dream.

She drove to work with a heavy heart. Bothered by the dream she wish she could erase. She had no answer, she wanted to cry. She kept on questioning herself, why did it happen? The fact that she had not think about that person but that person appeared in her dream out of nowhere. She wanted to take the dream not seriously but she couldnʼt. What was the dream, you wonder?

Long story short, she dreamt that she and TT was married to each other. It was not a dream about you were on a date or hanging out with each other. She was living together with TT and married to him. Thatʼs why she feels so f*cked up. She is in the midst of moving on. She thought she was almost succeed. Who could have thought this would happen. That dream screwed her bad.

Who's TT? Someone whom she's considered seeing texting.

She was confused. Ultimately confused.

When you were trying hard to forget someone cause you could see no future and suddenly you had this kind of dream, how would you think of the dream? Yes she was trying to move on but deep down inside her fragile heart she was still hoping for a tiny hope; a miracle to happen. As the dream was shaking her core to the max, half part of her was wondering was this some kind of a hint? Were they actually meant to be together? Were they fated to be together? She wanted to believe that, so bad. Yes because she happened to like him a lot; she just realized. Nevertheless, she couldnʼt help but to remind herself that it was just a dream. This was not a deja-vu.

Days miserably passed. That dream has been haunting her since. Overthinking was all over her. The thoughts then became a complete toxic for her. It was hurting her. She needed to put it to an end. She didnʼt want to keep on having hopes for something not real. She was building her guts. She would be doing something she has never done this before; she would be humiliated. Thatʼs one thing for sure. But itʼs now or never.

To be honest, she once thought that they had a chance. There was a time that she thought they both were at it. But maybe it was just her, she thought. The unsettled feeling kept on bothering her and she hated it. The last time they talked, she was being ghosted regardless whatever reason was. She took it as TTʼs hint for not into her. Not until the dream was ruining her world, she decided to have a last conversation. One day she texted TT. For some reason, she was expecting no reply and she could be happily moving on as she thought that would be the end of everything.

Plot twist. TT replied. And as usual, she would having butterflies whenever he texted. Ugh.

She could not help but to feel extra overwhelmed. Anxiety was all over her. She was mad. Why? Why did he has to reply? Why? Why did he still giving her hopes? She seriously wanted to move on. How could she free herself from this madness? His reply was everything she could ask before. How his texts could give her so much joy. She could only reply him the next morning; trying hard to be as normal as she could. To her surprise, he was not only giving her fast replies but he was being chatty for his kind. She cried inside. She just loved getting texts from him.

When she was composed, guts fully collected; she finally dropped the bomb. Things she always wonder. Things she always didnʼt dare to ask. Because she was in denial. Because she was scared to know the answer. Yet it was because she already knew the answer.

“Are you seeing someone?” She was shaking as she hit Send.

“Not at the moment. All just friends.” Ouch. Dayya tried hard to swallow the reply. 

“So I am just one of those friends. Normal friend.” She thought in herself. She always had the feel that he was not texting her alone. But she thought that would be normal. She only wondered, "Was she even someone special to him?" She indirectly got her answer, somehow. She then blurted her next question. “I assume youʼre not into a serious relationship now?”

And he answered Yes to Dayyaʼs question. She expected this after all. She wasn't even surprise. All this while, she actually could feel the vibes that he wasn't into commitment. She could feel that he was still enjoying his single life. So itʼs now or never for her.

“Itʼs crazy cause I think I like you.” She closed her eyes, hard before she sent another text. “But I guess I should stop.” She is just a girl asking hoping a boy to feel the same towards her. Dayya then turned on her phone to the airplane mode. She already knew the answer but she just were not ready for it. To her surprise, she felt great afterwards. Damn girl, it was as if a huge lump just being lifted out from her body. And she felt great. All the painful burden was gone.

“I shouldʼve done it sooner!” She thought. She slept soundly that night. In fact she was smiling in her sleep. Who could have thought a confession would make you like this? She was happy at least that night. She was feeling miserable for days so this was quite an achievement. To confess, it was never easy. Airplane mode was turned off once she woke up the next day. Reading his reply, she could not help but to wonder. She never really asked herself why?

“Why did you like me?”

That question. She totally had no idea. She didnʼt have an answer for that. Thatʼs what she thought. "I don't know. I just do." And that was her reply to him. "I thought I was being obvious?" Her inner self said. She did not want to drag the conversation. She was afraid that she would be only hurting herself by doing that. As much as she wanted to know what's his feelings towards her, she just shrugged the thoughts off. She was scared to even know the answer.

To be honest, he was her crush. She was having a crush on him back in school. Of course no one knew about it. And she met him again after years leaving school. It was odd enough to even meet him again after so long and was still having the sparks of liking him. She was beyond happy regardless.  "What are the odds?" They both had the same thoughts. They did not have much contact in school. In fact they never talked to each other but somehow Dayya had her own memories with him. There's not in gazillion years TT has idea about this. She was forever fluttered when he started their conversation in Yahoo Messenger back in school days. They were a complete stranger in school. They had never talk to each other. Out of sudden, he started a conversation with her. It was special to her. Until today.

For Dayya, she only wanted a closure so that she could move on. She could never imagine if TT's answer was the other way around. But that would be too good to be true. Not being negative but she could feel that it will forever be in her dreams. One of her friend used to say this to her. "If you love someone, let them go." And that's what she did.

My sweet October.

السلام عليكم,

Wow it's only a week left until December comes. What a year. I mean, we're reaching to an end already. So fast isn't it? So much happened this year, I mean really for me. It's quite something. Lol. And today, it is exactly one month after my birthday! :)

You know October has always been my favourite month. Simply because it's my birthday month. I would make sure October will be awesome every year. But it's not always great pon. I mean, it would be extra sikit je from the other months. To make it extra special. To make it valuable. At least that's how I celebrate myself. That's how I treated myself.

I would schedule everything accordingly for the month. It's the month that I would fly out. If not, I would try to have a short getaway somewhere. And I shall make sure to take leave from work on my birthday. I will never let myself work on my birthday. I will not spoil my mood with work stuff on my birthday. Cause it has to be special. Again, that's how I reward myself. Appreciate the day myself coming into the world.

So what happened this year? I gotta say October 2019 has been the best after October 2012. October 2016 was disastrous among all.

How my October this year started? Let me recall... Supposedly I would have my website go live on the 1st October but I hadn't getting the approval from the management cause the meeting was re-scheduled. I tried to rush everything before my Seoul trip in which I'll try to blog as well, insyaAllah. But I could only plan.

Seoul trip was planned only this year I think? Early this year? Cause I won't be going to Korea twice a year, crazy okay. But I did, though it's different destination. Awal tahun Jeju, akhir tahun Seoul. Wow sis. I didn't plan to but I was insisted to be a tourist guide for my officemates; Miya and Ili. They both were like, "Ala jom lah ikut sekali yada yada". So that's how I flew to Seoul this year. I wasn't really anticipated about the trip because it's not my call to begin with. So I had no expectation at all. So I sketched the itinerary according to places that these two kids wanted to go.

There were three highlights personally for me for the trip regardless zero anticipation lol. Cause everything that happened was beyond my planning. First, the T-Express ride in Everland was the bomb. And for the first time in my whole life, I was chicken out riding that freaking ride. SUMPAH TAKUT GILER SIAAAA! I was like please please cepatlah habis. Damn guys that ride was freaking fast and so freaking long idek! BUT IT WAS DAMN FUN but I didn't dare to repeat right away. Definitely my no1 ride for now.

Second, the Hanbok cosplay turned out awesome. I always wanted to dress like a Gisaeng so I did. Dolled up myself and walla I stirred quite an attention. Because I wore hijab and I wore the Gisaeng hat. We had our photos photographed by random photographer, a hot one tolonglah! Dia punya senyum buat sis dan kawan2 goyang teruk! Tak keruan bhai! But he had his girlfriend around, sigh. Some of China tourists asked for photographs as well. It was fun.

Later that evening, as we were rushing to return the hanbok, we bumped into Beto Kusyairi and Zahiril Adzim but they were at the opposite side. I thought that our jodoh stopped there. No jodoh after that. HAHAHA. Third, ternyata jodoh kami masih panjang. As I walked into COEX Mall, looking for the famous indoor library I saw a group of Malaysian at the corner. Right then I saw someone familiar. Oh damn. It's Beto!

KJLHDJLKFHJKSDHFUNVUERBVELRHERJDJHSJKHFSKHS!! I couldn't express how happy I was that moment. Fangirl mode was automatically on. I didn't think twice. I directly walked towards them, specifically Beto who was kneeling on the floor checking out something inside his bag. I braced myself to say "Hello Hi Sorry nak kacau boleh nak amek gambar?" I know I know but i blurted something like that. I was nervous. I was afraid they might turn me down. Beto was like looking at me atas bawah atas bawah. With a serious tone, he said "80k won kalau nak gambar." I nervously laughed and said "alaaa tak mampuuuu."

I was telling the truth. HAHAHAHAHA. Dah pokai dowh time tuh. His wife was being so nice and like, "dia main2 je tu" and she laughed as well. I didn't remember what happened next cause guys I was like on top of my world. I was over the moon. I was fangirling terok! I kept smiling kambing non-stop. It felt so unreal! Ili helped to snap my photo. Right after the photo session was done, I who was still smiling kambing bowed my head down thanking them and left. OMG I SUPPOSED TO SNAP Ili's photo as well. But I was beyond happy that I completely forgotten about that. I felt like flying. Too happy. Sorry Ili.

For the entire trip, I mean up until the trip ended this highlight really made the trip become so bermakna. Too bermakna. I kept bragging about it to Nadia Mahat who suka terok Beto like I did. Same goes to Asya. I'm sorry guys. I did think about you both when I met him. Lol

Basically those are the highlights in my Seoul trip. I finally back in KL. Presented my website to the management and they gave green light to go live. Alhamdulillah.

This gotta be the biggest highlight for the month. My birthday gift for myself this year. I got my house key on my birthday. Sweet cake baby. Never been so accomplished in my entire 29 years of living. Alhamdulillah. I got to achieve one life goal at least. Alhamdulillah. Thank you Allah.

That's how October 2019 has snatched the no1 ranking from October 2012. Lol. Oh and you are finally 29 years old woman! Love yourself more than others! XD

p/s: It would be sweeter if that particular someone wish me on my birthday but I didn't get any. What did I expect? lol

November blues.

السلام عليكم,

watching this lovey-dovey drama is making me miserable. lol

however this female character is so much like me. oh well

i liked it when i was being ultimately random; it's when i did something stupid first then i thought about it. at least, i felt happy and relieved that i actually done it.

can I not feel bothered? by you-know-what stuff.

it's devastating. it's tiring.

Can you love me?

What flower am I?

السلام عليكم,

Adam is 29.

السلام عليكم,

When I was down the other day, my phone yang normally senyap was bombarded by multiple messages including from Farhana. It just that, she was asking for an opinion rather than asking what's up with me. I bet she didn't know.

She was asking for a nice venue for a luncheon in SS15. I couldn't think of any cause she wanted to fit about 15 pax. But the only place that I loved that might cater 15 pax could be Naj & Belle. I just love the ambiance and the food is not bad. Farhana being Farhana, she left me hanging just like that. Leuls.

Days passed. She texted me again; now I know what was it all about. It's for her husband's birthday. At that moment, I thought I wasn't invited. I thought it would be only for families. No need to guess anymore, obviously I was invited. "Orang penting" kot. Later the venue was not even near Subang, she booked a venue somewhere in Cyberjaya, to be exact Tamarind Square. 

She asked me to help pick up the cake that she ordered from Kek & Co. She gave me the details for the pick up. It would be interesting cause Kek & Co is like Vivy Yusof's baker. Leuls. The Day finally came. My day started quite early for a peaceful Sunday. I mean, I had to pick up the cake by 10.

Cause the venue would only be ready by 12PM, I chose to lepak at Farhana's parents place before we went to the actual venue. Oh, this was a surprise event. I was almost kantoi kan the stuff when I went out for late lunch with the lovebirds couple of weeks before. Cause I thought she was searching for the venue for her dad's birthday which happened to be the same day like my dad. That's why I remembered.

Luckily Adam didn't even notice. LOL.

I was following Farhana's parents' car but up until the last junction I made a wrong turn. I was late a bit. Time was running out. I was supposed to help to decor the place. But I didn't know why my mind was so blank that I couldn't do it. Thanks for Farhana's sister in-law, Sarah and her mom, they made it through. The venue was then pretty. 

That morning, Farhana asked me to help her video-graphed everything. "You need to come to the basement when I arrived!" That was her command. And as usual, I just followed whatever she said. LOL. 

So I went down to basement. I informed Sarah that they've arrived. Fun-fact: Adam was blind-folded the entire time from their place in KL to Cyberjaya. HAHAHAHAHAHA. I can't imagine being blind-folded that long. I recorded pretty much everything. At one point, I even held my breath cause I was afraid he might notice. Too bad, we bumped into so many people on our way up. Adam was so embarrassed. I mean, he could listen to their existence. 

Everyone was more than ready to surprise him. Once he took off the fold, obviously "SURPRISEEE!" Not really loud but enough to shook him. He said he was surprised. And he didn't has any clue about the event. Seriously dude? That means, Farhana really did a great job. Well done babe! 

That was pretty much it. The venue served authentic Indian food. The owner is from India. The food was fine. The cake was nice as well. I loved how the fondant is not that sweet. Not a fan of  fondant icing but theirs is great.

As we were taking pictures at the end of the event, Farhana said she saw Amyra Rosli. So I was like, Amyra Rosli? Kepala otak macam pending giler fikir drama apa dia berlakon. She even said Adam loved her. So I was like, wow really? Then I talked to them while packing things up, I asked Adam, "You really like Amyra Rosli?" Then Adam replied, "Dia kan Nur?" Then I was like "OHHHHH HAAH LAH!" Seriously I forgot that Amyra Rosli was Nur. 

Back then when Farhana was passing her bridesmaid's kit to me, me and Adam was talking about Nur. Adam watched Nur. HAHAHAHAHAHA. We only watched the first season cause you gotta admit the drama was unique. We even asked Farhana to watch it but she never did. She was ultimately busy with work and the wedding. 

Okay back to Amyra Rosli, I remembered I read an article saying that she's expecting her second child. I caught a glimpse of her and I was so amazed how she was still skinny than me despite being pregnant. HAHAHAHA. Aiyoh. She's pretty, really.

We parted as everyone was going to Sarah's place. I had to excuse myself out. By the way, If you haven't been to Tamarind Square, you should. Cause the place is so instagram-able. Like the place is really pretty. I didn't much time to do it that day. Will definitely coming back here.

H o l a !

السلام عليكم,

It's been awhile that I am posting up what happened in my life. Like how I used to. I mean, how I used to blog how my day went on and stuff.

So now I decided to blog about it instead of IG story everything that happened. I think too much information given when I post it up on my IG story and it doesn't feel special anymore. Call me old school but I think I like it better this way. And I disconnected the linkage from my blog to twitter. I want this platform to be as chill as before. The place where I tell my stories, I vent out my frustrations; anything. I miss blogging. I miss writing short-stories like I used to. 

Now I am used to not doing anything on my Instagram; yes I do scrolling down my feed but I don't  feel like to check out people's post/stories anymore every now and then now. I am surprised myself as well. Never think I would able to do it. Cause I realize when you're feeling down or something and you saw someone is having the best time of their life regardless it's genuine or not; you can't help to feel intimidated/jealous... which ever situation/feeling suits you. And I'll end up comparing my life with them.. sedar atau tidak sedar. And it has been a subtle toxic in my current life. What I meant is, what you saw is artificial. There is zero connection. You feel nothing.

As at now, I am trying to living my life like how I was living my life before Social Media came into my life. No likes, no superlikes, no comments, no tags; it's okay girl. You're not missing anything. We're not competing with anyone. Peace and quiet like before. I might be missing out the updates about my friends but at least next time we meet we will be having tonnes of topics to talk about rather than everyone scrolling over their social media right? Next post shall be about how I spent my last long weekend with Farhana, Adam and their families. Hopefully I manage to even blog about it. Wish me luck.

"Life is short, and it is up to you to make sweet." 

Sarah Louise Delany

Take a chance on me.

السلام عليكم,

I some sort like did a social experiment again. It is kinda interesting though. I won't be noticing this littlest thing if I didn't de-activate my Instagram for almost two weeks. You talk using your phone. There is no physical interaction. You may think this is a remeh thing, but really guys. I think what makes us drift away from people without we realizing it, it is due to not communicating well. Communicating face-to-face. Having a real conversation with one another.

You would be surprised that it will give you so much affection just with a simple Hi. The voice. The tone. The correct tone. The look given by the other person. The gestures. Not via the text messages. That you might read it in incorrect tone. Ask yourself when is the last time you really talk with anyone like you used to back when there is no social media? Like how you would spend hours talking nonsense with your friends on phone.

Our current life these days pretty much checking each others out through our social media accounts. For instance, we thought by watching the IG stories of others who would have so many stories in a day until it had become that multiple little tiny threads; either you really watch it one-by-one or you fast clicked the stories. I mean you don't even bother to check it out. Tipulah if you never did that.

So you saw that person was having a great weekend; did you really think they were having real fun? Or it is just for the gram? Back then, when this stuff is not even existed you literally know nothing about how someone spent their weekend. Well maybe you know that they were going for a trip but you would wait until you're meeting them to actually ask how was the trip? You were eager to know more. And the other person would be so excited to tell their stories.

What happened now? Everything has been told off in their IG stories; well not all. But the viewers thought that they knew enough. They did not even bother to know more as they thought/assumed they know everything you're doing. I know we are happily sharing what we wanted there, to share our happiness with everyone. But we don't get genuine reaction anymore. Dia macam cheap tau... As such, we ran out of topic to talk with. There is no stuff to talk about anymore.

Are you still following? No real talk. No real conversation. Don't you think that we are actually losing the art of physically interacting with one another. We don't know how to communicate anymore. That is why I think I felt the super massive emptiness around me. I mean, I am surrounded by people but those people are communicating with me just via a machine. 

We are heading to a super sad life. I am not surprised that people would get lonely even though they are surrounded by family and friends. This little issue will eventually get worse. It is killing us like cancer.

What I've been doing now after re-activate my Instagram; I tried not to check out my followings' stories. Of course I want to keep up with their lives but I guess I am having another social experiment myself again. How is it to completely disconnected to connect? And to be honest you just annoyed by people trying hard to show they are happy but they are not.... Why are you faking your happiness? Tapi siapa je nak cerita kesedihan dekat orang ramai? People would say they seeking for attention and what not... Oh well.

It is just one call away, they say. But then, what we don't have now is time. Everyone is busy. Everyone has their own life. You can't be greedy to own everyone. I don't know if I am considered running away from my problem but for me now not knowing what happened to others are the best resolution. I tried not to be bothered with anyone. I mean if I see how are they doing I would end up comparing with my life. And I don't like it.

At times like this, I would be glad if I was born to be ignorant. You just don't care right? You just live your life and don't care about others. I wish I am. I really do.

p/s: This might no applicable to just anyone. This is mainly my own thoughts.

That one friend

السلام عليكم,

This happened very recently.

That one friend of mine called me while I was at work.

It was about 15 minutes before the working hours ended.

My phone was ringing, I checked the caller ID and I immediately picked it up.

Cause this one friend is not a typical one who would give you a call, not even messages.

It would be once in a blue moon. In short, very rare.

I thought she's having a very urgent request or something or I might be owing her something.

Tekaan saya meleset. Completely.

Me: Hello?

Her: Hello Deaz, kau de-activate IG kau ke?

Me: HAHHAHAHAHAHAHA (cause I never thought that was the first thing she would ever ask...) haah kenapa?

Her: Bila? Patutlah aku cari account kau tak jumpa! Aku ingat kau tukar ID kau!

Me: Baru je last week...

Her: Kenapaaaa?! Kau ni, aku salah tagged orang dowh! Patutlah dia reply pelik dekat aku

Me: HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA KAU TAGGED SIAPA DOWH?!

Her: Aku nak tag kau then nampak gambar profile dia dengan lelaki so aku ingat kau lah?

Me: BAHHAHAHAHAHHHAHA WTF BODO LA KEJADAH GAMBAR DENGAN LAKI?!

I will never understand how this one friend of mine thinks. Like how can she confidently thought that was my account? LOLOLOLOL. By the profile picture? BAHHAHAHAH OMG

Me: Kau tagged dekat gambar apa? (Clearly I had no idea cause I was not checking her IG story)

Her: Aku nak ajak karok.. Lama dowh tak karok!

Me: Wei karok bulan depan lah, redbox kte free. BAHHAHAHAHA.

Her: Kau nak aku tunggu lagi sebulan?! weiiii nak karokkkkk!!

Me: Sabar lah weiii. Sabar yaaa

Her: Kau kenapa de-activate IG? Bla bla bla bla

Me: Saje je...

Her: Yela tu. Kau kenapa dowh?

The conversation went on about her asking me what's up. I don't know how I managed to change the subject but I asked if she's in Shah Alam for the weekend? Her husband's away so I guess that's the main reason why she is so damn pishang. I don't remember who initiated to lepak.. but I was like

Me: JOMMM I can see your kids! I missed them LOTS!

Her: Ok jom katne?

Me: can I trust you on this? Nanti kte msg kau, kau hilang dowh. Like u always did.

Her: Ala kau ni....

Me: Dengan kau ni kena husnuzon byk dowh! Bukan boleh caya.

Her: HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH okay2 Nanti Jumaat/Sabtu kau msg aku balik. Tengoklah aku reply ke tak. Kalau tak tu means off la.

Me: KAUUUUUU KANNNN. Penatlah nak husnuzon nihhh

Our conversation ended cause she's in the midst of picking up her kids from nursery. It felt good though talking rubbish with her, regardless.

It is now Sunday. I texted her on Friday. No replies since then. Lol what's new?